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Stupid Bitch: '82 Alumna Recollects Boring Memories of Her Youth At the Peak of Our Biopond Synesthesia

Photo by Penn Facilities / Edits by Faresi

How to navigate one’s headspace? We ask this question because we seriously don’t know why this lady did what she did. If we were to describe this lady we would say: petite wasian queen. This matters because her mannerisms and tonality pertained to her identity and we love wasian people. What is the motif behind an elderly woman with a kind voice approaching us as we merge with the biopond? What is the motif of us telling her to go away? We attempted this endeavor to no avail because she took a picture across the pond that revealed our state of mind, intriguing because we never got her state of mind in turn; what becomes of us now that we know that she knows us better than we do her? In our time with her, she told us the last time she was at Penn was 1982. Wow! We said. And then silence. 

She was colors and light. She was clouds and trees. She was the water my mother drank while we were in her womb. We are twins, could you have guessed? Actually, we are adopted brothers. Actually, we are coworkers, but you already knew all that. Actually, what do you think we are? Give us your honest opinion because we have gotten conflicting answers from our editoress-in-chief: she did not know that we went to the same high school! 

We've discovered much during this trip. We still cannot confirm nor deny if the '82 alumnus was sent to us by Liz Magill herself, or if her mission entailed time travel to personally fuck with our perception of the world —otherwise known as Penn’s campus— and convince us to attend the depressingly devoid of attendance homecoming football game. 

Furthermore, this stupid bitch said goodbye to us on the way out. We were like, uh, stupid bitch? Please leave. Goodbye. And so she left, leaving us with ourselves. What to ponder from there? The cyclicality of an alumni speaking to future alumni on the bodies of dead alumni. Watched from the sky by the great dead alumnus: buddha. Note to our editor: Buddha was actually an unregistered Penn alumni, so chic!