Wharton Wellness to Enforce Chinese Water Torture for Students Caught Not Taking Advantage of Professional Wellness Circles

I thought I could get away. I tried to unsubscribe — but they found me again.

I managed to evade Gratitude Week in November. I skillfully dodged Wharton Passion Projects. I opened the email for Paint and Sip (Mocktail Night) and didn’t RSVP. 

I was riding a high. I thought I was invincible. Untouchable by Wharton Wellness.

And then: Professional Wellness Circles. I didn’t go. Oh, have I been made to regret that choice. 

“A discussion on maintaining wellness during the recruiting process,” they wrote, with “refreshing boba!” I scoffed, originally. “I’m not going to that,” I thought to myself. 

How silly of me.

When Wharton Wellness’ paramilitary wing showed up to Gregory College House with a warrant, I knew that my luck had run out. I cannot in good conscience relay the harrowing story of what happened next.

I can only issue a warning to my fellow Wharton students: tread carefully. And be well.