When Wharton Wellness’ paramilitary wing showed up to Gregory College House with a warrant, I knew that my luck had run out.

For one reason or another, you find yourself at the bottom of Penn’s social hierarchy. That’s ok. Maybe you’re ugly or from a weird state. Nothing you can really change. 

Their presence strikes a fear unlike any other. Their neon shirts repel ne’er-do-wells from miles away. Their 3-gear bikes are rumored to be direct Tour de France hand-me-downs. They are Penn Security. And you don’t want to mess with them.

And look at that — you made a new friend, scaled Penn’s social ladder, and are now one degree of separation from the heir to the Funyuns fortune. Not bad, right?

“Who gives a fuck?” responded one West Philly resident interviewed by UTB. Future investigative work will be needed to determine why West Philly is so ungrateful.

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.

More advanced features from Google rumored for the near future include the ability to upload your ex’s class schedule into the app for Google’s AI to predict where they might be walking — and to direct you away.

In an official statement, Magill responded to critics: “To our activists of color, I hear you. I am listening. Next time, I will try and listen a little more closely, though — I think I know what PILOTs are now.”