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Adrian Rafizadeh


Wharton Wellness to Enforce Chinese Water Torture for Students Caught Not Taking Advantage of Professional Wellness Circles

When Wharton Wellness’ paramilitary wing showed up to Gregory College House with a warrant, I knew that my luck had run out.

Have You Ever Kissed a Guy in Stouffer-Mayer? And Other Pickup Lines for People of Generally Low Social Standing

For one reason or another, you find yourself at the bottom of Penn’s social hierarchy. That’s ok. Maybe you’re ugly or from a weird state. Nothing you can really change. 

“Hey, Don’t Do That Please.” Penn Security Meekly Says to Army of Rabid Jaywalkers

Their presence strikes a fear unlike any other. Their neon shirts repel ne’er-do-wells from miles away. Their 3-gear bikes are rumored to be direct Tour de France hand-me-downs. They are Penn Security. And you don’t want to mess with them.

“He Is JP Morgan” and 7 Other Lies to Tell About What Your Dad Does

And look at that — you made a new friend, scaled Penn’s social ladder, and are now one degree of separation from the heir to the Funyuns fortune. Not bad, right?

Victory! Company Gentrifying McDonald’s Is Owned by Women and Minority

“Who gives a fuck?” responded one West Philly resident interviewed by UTB. Future investigative work will be needed to determine why West Philly is so ungrateful.

Penn to Unveil New A Cappella Group Made Up of Just People Coughing in Fisher Fine Arts Library

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.

Google Maps to Correct Walking Directions’ ETAs to Account For Insufferable Locust Walk Small Talk

More advanced features from Google rumored for the near future include the ability to upload your ex’s class schedule into the app for Google’s AI to predict where they might be walking — and to direct you away.

Oops! Magill Approves Penn's First Fleet of Fighter PILOTs

In an official statement, Magill responded to critics: “To our activists of color, I hear you. I am listening. Next time, I will try and listen a little more closely, though — I think I know what PILOTs are now.”