Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

"Girl, Are You Meek Mill? Because I've Been Having Dreams and Nightmares Bout Dat Azz" and Other Authentic Philly Pickup Lines


cc//wikimedia commons

Trying to pick up a Philly girl and don't know what to say to her? Lucky for you, we here at Under the Button have conducted hundreds of peer-reviewed clinical studies on what Philadelphia women want to hear:

1) Girl, are you Eagles' center Jason Kelce? Because I want to fuck your brother.

2) Girl, are you the beef portion of a cheesesteak? Because GOOD LORD you would look fantastic smothered in fried onions.

3) Girl, are you Cheltenham High School graduate and local Philly guy Benjamin Netanyahu? Because I will always and forever fully support you in everything you do.

4) Girl, are you a jawn? Yes, you are. (I'm sorry I had no idea where to go with this line I just really wanted to use the word jawn)

5) Girl, are you one of the many used heroin needles strewn throughout the streets of Kensington? Because I'm suspicious that you're carrying the HIV/AIDS virus, and I want you to take a blood test before we advance this relationship any further.

6) Girl, I want to walk back my previous, fully uneducated declaration of unwavering support for the Israeli government and assert that I condemn the IDF’s ruthless assault on innocent Palestinian civilians. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, President Isaac Herzog, and the entire government administration, while justified in countering terrorism, are complicit in prolonging a conflict which has already spilled so much needless blood and cost too civilian many lives. This conflict is multifaceted in every sense of the word and is one in which choosing to wholeheartedly support either side would not only be an error of logic, but also a complete moral failing. Oh, and did I mention that you fine as hell?