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Insider Scoop: Amy Wax Called Me a Filthy Arab Immigrant & Put Me in a Chokehold

Photo By Anna Vazhaeparambil / The Daily Pennsylvanian

I. Am. Shaking. I am enchained within my tower (studio room with my cat) due to the horrific events of Monday, February 26th 2024. A fever of 38.7c —sorry idk what it is in fahrenheit-– plagues me, my chest tightens with every breath, and this curse grows stronger with each passing step that Amy Wax takes in Penn Carey Law. I fell victim to her, for I was the one who took this picture of her strolling through the building casually with her protection charms all around her neck.

The encounter started unexpectedly. I was teleported to her chamber, her sacred space, on a beautiful and warm Monday afternoon. I tried to move, but I quickly realized that I was trapped within a circle of stolen KCECH salts — there was nothing I could do. I was at her mercy.

Upon identifying my skin tone, my facial hair, and other key ethnic features, her eyes turned bloodshot red as she exclaimed: ‘Filthy t*rr*rist! You will never graduate among the higher echelon of your class! No consulting company nor law firm will want you!’. Tears ran down my cheeks, yet my mind mustered no thought other than the fact that her breath smelled distinctly of freshly consumed Law-School-provided white claws. Though the smothering from her rancid breath nearly took me out, she apparated magical hands and attempted to strangle me, then physically took me into a chokehold to finish the job.

Then, with a snap of her fingers, I was banished out of her realm. I gathered myself and composed this report as quickly as the fever she cursed me with set in. I presented my photographic ingenious to the DP overlords, and journalism won against witchcraft once more.

Note to Editors: Has anyone ever seen Amy Wax and JK Rowling in the same room? Just a thought…