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"I Saw the Solar Eclipse With My Naked Eye": UTB’s Experience With the Total Solar Eclipse


This past Monday, thousands of Penn students gathered on College Green to watch the once-in-a-trillion-years solar eclipse. Although Philadelpha was not in the path of totality, the event still managed to edge the excitement of students thanks to the ever so erotic and kinky clouds. 

Wellness at Penn “ran out” of eclipse glasses at approximately 3 pm, 20 minutes before the sun’s peak coverage. The incident is currently under investigation with Allied Universal Security looking into the mysterious disappearance. Many speculate that it may be linked to Liz Magill, while others suggest a more realistic conspiracy involving QAnon. This occurrence left many students, like myself, without eye protection. Luckily, it wasn't my first time facing this dilemma, so I decided to raw dog it.

The eclipse was a community unifier – a great equalizer. Democrats and Republicans, Jews and Palestinians, good drivers and women, came together to watch this extremely mediocre moment. As the clouds parted like the red sea and the eclipse became semi-visible, hundreds of white students clapped as joyfully as if a movie had ended or a plane had landed.

I hate to say it, but I for one was slightly unamused. Was it cool, sure? Was it worth feeling like I was living in Netflix’s Don’t Look Up, not really? It reminded me of the Yellowstone National Park Geyser, Old Faithful– lowk a dud. 

But I did like that College Green felt like a darty. People showed up and showed out repping matching shades. Some girlies used the Van Pelt entrance steps as an elevated surface and you had to link arms and push (body slam) your way through the crowd. My initial reaction to Wellness at Penn running out of glasses was the same as when functions run out of the good White Claws flavors. Should I have gotten there earlier, maybe? But am I fucking pissed off? Yeah, fuck yeah I am. It was also promising to see Larry Jameson in broad daylight, disproving the looming suspicion that he was a vampire. 

In honor of the most astonishing event of the millennium, I asked some UTB staff about their experience with the total solar eclipse. Here’s what they had to say:

“The eclipse was pretty lame because I couldn’t even see it.” - Carey S.

“Don’t believe the liberal news media cabal narrative that you can't look right at the eclipse! It only hurt a teensy bit.” *

“Really enjoyed it.”- Editor in Chief of UTB

“Mercury is definitely in reverse cowgirl because my boyfriend slipped a finger in the wrong hole.” *

“What eclipse?” *

“I stared at the sun to make the girls at Penn look more attractive.”-- UTBTQIA (UTB closeted affinity group)

“I was humiliated by the workers at the library staff only table.”-- Benji E.

“I missed the solar eclipse due to my chronic IBS”-- “BE” from Sidechat

“While everyone was busy getting edged by the eclipse, I came.” *

“I hope the moon steps on a lego because everyone spent my birthday posting for the fucking sun.” *

“Saving those glasses for Burning Man.” *

“The total eclipse was the most anticlimactic thing since the last time I had sex.” *

* Denotes anonymous source