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Incensed Local Homeowner Kelly Writer Kicks Depressed Wordsmiths Out of Her House

(03/15/23 5:48pm)

UNIVERSITY CITY, PHILADELPHIA - Days before the start of Spring Break, neighborhood philanthropist and avid patron of the arts Kelly Writer was reaching a breaking point. Nearly thirty years ago, she opened her doors to the many brooding souls of Penn who needed a place to drink tea, write poetry, and wear turtlenecks and stuff. Now, her home was becoming overwhelmingly sad and boring. Where once the upandcoming spirit of artistic innovation permeated the air, the house now smelled like leftover halal and vape juice. Kelly began to consider the idea that her project was nearing an end.

OP-ED: That Never Happened

(03/15/23 5:50pm)

A fenceless locust? A good Commons meal? That one off campus date night and the other on campus one? Yeah, none of these events truly unfolded. I’ve been rather observant recently. Its a wonder, actually, the unchanging nature of things around us. When was the last time you weren’t preparing for, taking, or recovering from a midterm? When is the last time you read a piece of UTB’s that did not leave you joyous/existential? None of the aforementioned events had ever happened.

Such Beautiful Weather: I Can Finally Gallop Shirtless Through the Quad Again Like the Stallion I Am

(03/20/23 4:59am)

Step into your imagination. Take a journey with me. You’re eating your chicken-and-rice bowl outside of McClelland. It’s delicious. The exotic blend of sauces are reminiscent of the majesty of the Silk Road, so much so that your mind is transported there. You see spice traders filtering in and out of the bazaar. Wait, there’s Marco Polo! Oh, and there’s a horde of Mongols under the command of the ferocious Ghengis Khan! 

Penn Housing Selection Crashed as Local Militia Invades The Radian

(03/02/23 6:57pm)

Last week, the freshman class at Penn were given three days to select their residences for the 2023-24 school year. However, the medium for these selections, My Home At Penn, frequently stalled out and experienced other shortages during the time slots. It was previously thought that these technical difficulties came as a result of the thousands of students hoping to get “an 03 room on the Rodin top floors,” yet this was soon proven false. What was discovered in its place was a new culprit: a local militia trying to claim The Radian as their own.

Epic Fail! Mentioning Circumcision Protest to My Mom Leads to Long Lecture About How if I Had a Penis I’d Be Uncut

(03/02/23 6:59pm)

In an attempt to make conversation with my mom on our weekly phone call, I brought up the recent circumcision protest on campus. That's right. These guys weren't shouting religious epithets like the usual rotation of protester on College Green. These dudes were marching in cowboy hats and white jeans with a "blood stain" on their groins. 

OP-ED: I’m Going to Cabo for Spring Break in a Woke, Leftist Way

(02/28/23 3:56am)

I need an escape from the grind, and spring break has arrived as my savior. It will be a week of drinking and partying, one would think. However, I’m different. I’m different from the normal Cancún and Miami excursions. I’m different from the American neoliberal agenda. I’m going to Cabo for spring break in a woke, leftist way, and I’m going to make Papa Marx proud. 

We’re Both Thinking It: Let’s Turn This Coffee Chat Into a Crack-Cocaine Chat

(02/23/23 12:54am)

Well, here we are. Coffee chatting. We’re chatting, we’re drinking coffee. We’re coffee chatting. The activity where we chat while we drink coffee. Hey, what’s your major again? Finance, wow. That’s a very nice major for us to discuss during our coffee chat (in which we chat and drink coffee simultaneously).

Photo Essay: Welcome to My World of Truly Delicious Foods

(03/01/23 9:31pm)

Sometimes, around three times each day, I feel so hungry that I prepare/purchase a meal to my liking. I’ve spent many years on this planet, and many of these years were spent consuming sub-par food. Not anymore. This year, I’ve started eating a diet of only truly delicious foods and I’ve never felt better. I hope you enjoy this tour and eat something really truly delicious, like banana bread or green grapes Buckle up and let's discover some great foods together...

BREAKING: Entrepreneur Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) Adds Fuel to Former President and 1968 Wharton Graduate Donald Trump’s Comment on Former Penn Presidential Professor of Practice Joe Biden’s Housing of Classified Documents at the Penn Biden Center (Penn)

(03/19/23 10:56pm)

Yesterday, Twitter CEO Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) voiced his support for former President Trump’s (W ’68) tirade against the current scandal engulfing President Joe Biden, former Penn Presidential Professor of Practice at the Penn Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement, a think tank run by the University of Pennsylvania. 

Penn Listens: Penn Dining Adds “Natty Light” to the Meal Exchange Program

(02/27/23 5:40pm)

Students asked, and Penn answered! “Natty Light” is now available at 1920 Commons, Hill, and the Houston Market Meal Exchange starting this coming Monday. Penn Dining has been consistently improving their plentiful options for the new semester. First came the additional smoothies at 1920 Commons and Hill breakfast to help more people start their day on the right note; however, many students felt that this left other parts of the typical school day neglected. Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn’s finest dining establishments. This new addition primarily helps students persevere later into their days and nights when pure coffee doesn’t suffice. Whether they’re doing tedious Writing Seminar work, sitting through hours of CIS office hour lines, or going to a GBM they’re definitely excited for, students have been making quick work of the added refreshments. We polled real Quakers on how they feel about this new component to their breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. “Finally, I can sit through my 8:30 [AM] BEPP 1000 recitation!” stated one Wharton student approvingly. “I would prefer Pike’s mystery vodka, but this also gets the job done,” lamented one freshman. With students’ approval, hopefully Penn Dining continues catering towards the needs of its customer base. As they embark on this path, there’s no doubt that a more fulfilled student body is to come; data indicates that pisses taken on the Benjamin statue have already increased by 30%!