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OP-ED: You Can’t Kick Me Out of a GSR in a Way That Matters

(11/21/22 6:07pm)

The first fire was the fire of falsehood, “when we do not fulfill what we promised.” Next came the fire of avarice, “when we place our love of worldly riches before the riches of Heaven,” then the fire of discord, “when we do not fear to offend the souls of our neighbors even in superficial matters,” and the fourth the fire of irreverence, “when we think it nothing to despoil and defraud those weaker than ourselves.” The four rolodexed through my mind as I made my daily trek to the dining hall. Interactions all doomed from the start. Damned by their own inertia, they collapse in on themselves and follow this tragic pattern. 

BREAKING: Campus A Cappella Group Ousts Musical Arranger After Botched Harmony at Family Showcase Night

(11/17/22 5:00am)

On November 16, 2022, a select few University of Pennsylvania performing arts groups held their annual Family Showcase Night in Irvine Auditorium. This is the event of the year for many empty-nesters who now have nothing better to look forward to than amateur standup comedy, a cappella, and interpretive dance. Unfortunately, a Penn A Cappella group (they wish to remain anonymous) encountered disaster after a practically life-threatening mistake was made. Thanks to in-depth and immensely involved research, Under The Button has compiled a comprehensive timeline of the tragedy.

Lin Reveal! Family Weekend Exposes if Parents Are Lame or Fuckable

(11/14/22 5:54pm)

Family weekend brings all kinds of parents to campus. Some want to see where their kid eats lunch, and some want to relive their college glory days by drinking beer with 20-year-olds. Either way, it’s the long-awaited event of the season for many. Even if your parents don’t come, it’s still an exciting time — you already know that your roommate is rich, now it's time to see if they also have a hot dad.

Dad Checks Watch, Longs for WWII Podcast He Saved for Ride Home From Family Weekend

(11/14/22 5:45pm)

“Damn, still got at least a half hour left,” Adam Penner, Penn dad and self-proclaimed “history buff,” muttered under his breath in between rounds of flip cup. At that point, Adam was enduring his sixth hour at Penn and ninth hour of “family time” that day. "That is," he continues, gesturing to Mrs. Penner, “if you count the three hour car ride with Drinky Von-Pees-A-Lot.”

They’ve Gone Too Far: The Penntrification of Northeast Philadelphia

(11/17/22 5:19pm)

BUSTLETON AVENUE, PHILADELPHIA, PA – Hi Penn, I’m standing here outside of what used to be the “Broken Bones, Broken Hearts” Animal Shelter in Northeast Philly. And I have grave news. Just minutes ago, this building and all of the dogs, cats, bunnies, and other pets who lived here were blown up like helpless passengers on a plane crashing into a volcano. 

Damn: Insufferable Rich Kid Actually Pretty Drippy

(11/21/22 6:08pm)

“Damn, he does have that drip though,” I thought to myself as I walked past him on Locust. This guy... kinda sucks. For one, he is always talking to his friends during our lecture and it makes it hard for me to hear what our professor is saying. Not only that, but he has friends in our lecture! What a tool. I think he is in one of the cool fraternities, and to be honest he is probably more goated than I am. Furthermore, I heard him talking to his endless friends about his PS5. I want a PS5!

Vibrator Left Behind in Huntsman GSR After Inaugural Edge Fund Board Meeting

(11/15/22 3:48pm)

Tensions ran high among the Wharton student population last Thursday after three MBA students reported hearing a mysterious buzzing noise after the conclusion of the Wharton Undergraduate Edge Fund’s first meeting of the year in JMHH 366. Upon investigation, it was revealed that one of the Fund’s board members left a Hitachi Magic Wand plugged into a wall outlet.

Intersectionality Win! CAS Boy Dates Wharton Boy

(11/11/22 5:41pm)

A step above acquiring gay rights is gaining the ability to date outside of your assigned school. There’s just so little to talk about, ya know? If I, a political sciences major, start spewing things such as “Mearsheimer’s defensive vs offensive realism”, and he –a Wharton indictee– does not understand, am I simply to walk out of the beautiful date we are having at Houston hall?