Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump's DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance
Following the recent overhaul of Federal Funding, Penn is taking drastic measures to ensure its financial longevity. Thankfully, Penn’s students are taking the lead on these measures, rectifying past wrongs and removing liberal ideologies from all corners of campus.
The most prominent of these social warriors are those of Zeta Psi (“Zete”) Fraternity Incorporated. While neatly tucked away into a corner of 34th and Walnut, they he-plural have been diligently implementing common-sense logic into their his-plural daily activities for years and years now.
Zete knew this day was coming. Long before this era of renewed morality and faithful Christianity, the brothers knew they had to take proactive action against destructive change. This unspoken line of thought permeates through the brain tissue of even the most detached, irrelevant brother, like a prophecy saying that one day they would have been right all along. Like a pat on the back from Daddy or a shot of Everclear from underneath the bar.
If you want to marvel at the accomplishments of these fine gentlemen, here are some tips to better your visit to their humble abode:
- Keep your ratio good. The men of Zete take great care to ensure women feel comfortable in their home, so they keep them in good numbers locked in their bedrooms so they can’t mix with anyone else. Don’t worry - none of them are men wearing dresses. Except during the wedding mixer (in a cool, ironic way).
- Enjoy the decor. Lining the hallowed halls of this institution are the ghosts of Zete past: composite photos. Before taking one home as a souvenir, remark at how consistent the brotherhood has been over the years. Nothing says unity like a shared identity, both on the inside, and the outside. But particularly the outside.
- Don’t mention that bathroom incident. What am I even talking about?
At the end of the day, many on campus are relieved to know that there’s at least one organization on which we can always rely. While university administration may fumble, the brothers of Zete always maintain a logical mind, a mind which they all love a lot, and love to love. Intimately. Before going to bed each night. But in a totally cool, not gay way.
