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[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Didn't the font tip you off?] Canadian power ballad babies Nickelback along with human with voice Susan Boyle are slated to appear at this year's Spring Fling, says a SPEC source who we totally didn't get drunk to force secrets from. The two superstar musical acts, who will be visiting campus in mid-April, will complete SPEC's vision for this year's Fling theme of "EFF U PENN," a follow-up to last year's popular "Once Upon a Fling" theme.
IT'S THE LAST WEEK BEFORE FINALS, STOP READING THIS AND GET DOWN WITH YOUR BAD SELF. HERE'S HOW:
UTB: "Are you part of a group or something?"
This guy outside Skulls: "Nope, just trying to make your day better."
UTB: (? ???)
So you woke up over break, checked your schedule and got NONE of the classes you pre-registered for? Buck up, kids, the world's going to end in a few short weeks! Here's how you should be spending your last few days on earth:
You've heard of Yelp right? It's that user review website where anyone with WiFi can praise or protest a business, restaurant, hotel or university with a rating out of five stars. The best part? The descriptions, those digital snacks of wisdom (and/or complete crazy) where users can say almost anything they want. "But are they accurate?" you ask.
Well, kids, if our endorsement of Jazz and Groove's Aeroplane party tomorrow night at Castle didn't do it for you, then maybe this less-than-tasteful video to the face might? Personally, we prefer the other kind, but tomayto-tomahto, we suppose.
With Penn all up on its urban gentrification thang, you've only got a few more weeks (or months, depending on who you ask) to enjoy views of the beautiful 40th Street M.E. Church, like this one from 1962 courtesy of the Digital Archives. From fire and brimstone to cream and sugar, from priest-a to barista (shut up), this entire situation seems a little ridiculous. We're no Bible-thumpers, but there are already plenty of places to get froyo and coffee on campus. Can we get an amen?
GOOD MORNING, UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA! You look wonderful today, did you know that? Whatever you're doing, it's working.
Advance Registration Closes At Midnight– Don't forget to register for classes for next semester!
Some extra sweetness for your go-go juice? Green Line Cafe's got you covered.
BREAKING: Any Issues Voting Today?– Both the DP and Penn Democrats have reported that "students are showing up to the polls with their voter registration card, not showing up on the voter rolls, and being turned away." Sources say that voters in Houston and Vance Halls seem to be experiencing the worst of it. Penn Dems recommends staying in line to vote (even if past 8) and filling out the provisional ballot if necessary. Call the voter hotline at (855) 834-VOTE for more information.
REMEMBER TO VOTE TOMORROW FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WHO WILL DO THE LEAST AMOUNT OF HARM TO THE FEWEST NUMBER OF PEOPLE. In the meantime, what's hapPENNing around town this week?
BOO! Did we scare you? Oh, goody gumdrops, because it's Hallowe'en! And what a lovely autumn day to celebrate the opening of the Door of the Underworld to begin the annual Reaping of the Innocent, isn't it? Peep the spooky jack o'lantern the wizards over at Commons carved (Sharpie'd?) up for your ghoulish pleasure. OoOoOoOoh, and those ziptied corn bunches are freaking us out! Help hallow your own ween by checking "Hocus Pocus" out of Van Pelt today. Trick or treat, Qreepy Quakers.
2010 Alum Killed During Hurricane Sandy – Jessie Streich-Kest, a graduate of the College, was tragically struck dead by a falling tree near her home in Brooklyn last night. For more information, head over to our friends at the DP.
It's almost 2 in the afternoon, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR SANDY IS? Well, your parents probably do, because judging from the many hilarious submissions of bizarre parental hurricane advice we got over the past few hours, we're in for a rough couple of days.
Have you guys heard about Sandy? It's, like, this hurricane? You know? The one that's going to kill us all? Anyway. So there are things happening this week in Philly that DON'T have to do with Sandy. Here are a few of them:
PARENTS! They're old. They're a little insane. They usually "don't" "get" "it." And we still love them, especially when they try their hardest to make sure that we're doing okay.
Classes Cancelled Tomorrow And Tuesday– Because of the Frankenstorm! On the one hand, yay, because no classes, but on the other hand, stay safe everyone! The Goddesses are very angry with us yet also very pleased. Keep checking back on the Division of Public Safety's site for updates. TO THE PANIC ROOM!
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The Perks Of Being A Senior– Hey, seniors! Trynna get a drink later tonight at Smoke's before classes come back to haunt us? Flash your PennCard (printed with its impending August 2013 doom) and you get a pint on the house. See you there!