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(04/07/25 7:41pm)
Flashback to my sophomore year. It is NSO and of course I want to go to pool party because everyone else is going. I had such good values back then. I am added to the facebook group. The invite reads “I’m back. Get ready to get wet. GA I dropping Sunday at 5pm.” Ew that kinda makes me uncomfortable, I think to myself. Even though it meant spending a bunch of money to wait in a long line where everyone is pushing eachother, have a mild amount of fun, and then pay 20 more dollars to get a drink, I wanted to go.
(03/28/25 5:57pm)
Following the recent overhaul of Federal Funding, Penn is taking drastic measures to ensure its financial longevity. Thankfully, Penn’s students are taking the lead on these measures, rectifying past wrongs and removing liberal ideologies from all corners of campus.
(03/28/25 5:56pm)
Immigration officials announced late last Wednesday that they had detained Bartholomew Xavier Paul White III (W ‘27) after he inadvertently ate an Iftar meal at English House Dining Hall (KCECH) after sundown. The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic. Witnesses say that as White entered KCECH, he asked a service worker “where all the American food was” before taking a bite of a lamb kofta. Upon doing so, twenty tactical-gear-equipped ICE officers deployed smoke grenades and rappelled down from the balcony above, tackling White and beating him senseless with batons.
(04/01/25 8:03pm)
There ain’t no party like a Diddy party — except maybe whatever’s happening in Hill's fourth-floor club lounges at 2 a.m. on a Thursday.
(04/16/25 6:50pm)
Oh man, we’re so sorry. We did not see this coming. The plan was to fight the Office of Civil Rights to defend our position, but holy moly they took so much money. They took so much money. What now? We’re gonna have to make some changes because there’s no way we can lose more money with this Title IX stuff.
(04/01/25 4:00pm)
Ah, Omega Zeta Epsilon Pi Mu Iota Kappa, my home away from home away from home. I couldn’t wait for Big Little Week to start. I woke up, washed my face, injected myself with Ozempic, and walked out the door!
(04/01/25 1:12pm)
The modern day Asian American diaspora has a new claim to fame in the Western lens of racial diversity, and that is the stereotype of the “Asian Baby Girl”. This is equivalent to an Asian girl from California who wears false eyelashes and goes to raves.
(04/03/25 7:40pm)
I awake to a horrifying email:
(03/24/25 8:05pm)
McClelland has gone too far. Several days ago, I was waiting in a 30-minute line circling both the inside and the street surrounding the Michelin-star restaurant. I was ready to chow down on two meal swipes worth of authentic Japanese cuisine: the Chicken Bowl.
(03/06/25 5:00pm)
Recently, a local Penn student reported an incident to UTB where an apparition with the face of the Hinge logo appeared in front of them and asked, “Oh warrior of Penn land yonder, hast thou slayed the Drexel dragon, or hast thou been slayed?”
(03/05/25 4:55am)
Falk Kosher Dining apologized to the Penn community last night for this week's café theme: "Embracing the Two Plate Solution." Recognizing Falk Dining as a watering hole for students across all backgrounds, the initiative sought to bring students together for dinner which, this month, coincides with the traditional Iftar meal that breaks the Ramadan fast.
(03/03/25 10:04pm)
The exam you kept saying you were "cooked" for but did absolutely nothing about? Yeah, shocker—you did, in fact, get cooked. Charred. Burnt to a crisp.
(02/28/25 4:45pm)
Recently, a man was caught not once, but twice, masturbating on the University of Pennsylvania campus. The University has begun taking action against the assailant, but how sure are we that it'll be effective, considering it didn’t work the first time? Sun Tzu said it best “Know thy Enemy”, so, if we are to truly put an end to this stroke of madness, we must understand a man who now goes by the Van Pelt Masturbator.
(03/03/25 8:21pm)
Roughly eight months ago, Alex Jones lost a seminal case for Republican commentators to the family members of the Sandy Hook shooting. While the judge initially sentenced Jones to paying the plaintiffs 1.5 Billion dollars, he offered Jones an alternative, somewhat unorthodox sentence. Instead of paying the 1.5 Billion dollars, Jones would put a fraction of the money into opening and running a cute little bookstore that would only sell books written by lesbian authors.
(02/27/25 12:38am)
If you’re worried about what’s pressed up against your back, relax— it’s not my dick, bro. It's my gun; don’t worry about it.
(03/04/25 5:00pm)
Do you really like your new situationship, but you have only actually seen him in the dark depths of a late night? Does his hair cover up half his face and, quite possibly, his humongous forehead? We have just the solution.
(02/20/25 5:00pm)
Below is a timeline of today’s tragic events as they were officially released to the public:
(02/20/25 6:16pm)
Huddled on the floor of a dark fraternity basement, these girls are being forced to do the unthinkable: each must drink a full can of non-diet Coca Cola.
(02/15/25 7:06pm)
Love is in the air, and housing is just around the corner! Room selection applications closed earlier this week, and freshmen across campus rushed to meet the last-minute deadline. Some freshmen came to some unfortunate realizations that they need to lie on their “lifestyle profile” so they don’t get another nightmare roommate, while others coped with not being as fat on the sophomore dining plan.
(02/11/25 6:14pm)
The Philadelphia Eagles' Super Bowl win has made a lot of people happy. The players are world champions, Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirriani have silenced the doubters, and the fans had the opportunity to annihilate their own city brick by brick. But perhaps those who have gained the most from this dominant victory are none other than erectile dysfunction patients.