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I Lived It: I Used My SDT Code to Buy Pool Party Tickets and It Made the Price More Expensive

(04/07/25 7:41pm)

Flashback to my sophomore year. It is NSO and of course I want to go to pool party because everyone else is going. I had such good values back then. I am added to the facebook group. The invite reads “I’m back. Get ready to get wet. GA I dropping Sunday at 5pm.” Ew that kinda makes me uncomfortable, I think to myself. Even though it meant spending a bunch of money to wait in a long line where everyone is pushing eachother, have a mild amount of fun, and then pay 20 more dollars to get a drink, I wanted to go. 



After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE

(03/28/25 5:56pm)

Immigration officials announced late last Wednesday that they had detained Bartholomew Xavier Paul White III (W ‘27) after he inadvertently ate an Iftar meal at English House Dining Hall (KCECH) after sundown. The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic. Witnesses say that as White entered KCECH, he asked a service worker “where all the American food was” before taking a bite of a lamb kofta. Upon doing so, twenty tactical-gear-equipped ICE officers deployed smoke grenades and rappelled down from the balcony above, tackling White and beating him senseless with batons.









“Embracing the Two Plate Solution”: Falk Kosher Dining Apologizes For Tone-deaf Café Theme

(03/05/25 4:55am)

Falk Kosher Dining apologized to the Penn community last night for this week's café theme: "Embracing the Two Plate Solution." Recognizing Falk Dining as a watering hole for students across all backgrounds, the initiative sought to bring students together for dinner which, this month, coincides with the traditional Iftar meal that breaks the Ramadan fast. 



Van Pelt Masturbator Breaks Down Decision-Making in Choosing Location

(02/28/25 4:45pm)

Recently, a man was caught not once, but twice, masturbating on the University of Pennsylvania campus. The University has begun taking action against the assailant, but how sure are we that it'll be effective, considering it didn’t work the first time? Sun Tzu said it best “Know thy Enemy”, so, if we are to truly put an end to this stroke of madness, we must understand a man who now goes by the Van Pelt Masturbator. 


Alex Jones Sees Error of Ways, Opens Cute Little Lesbian Bookstore

(03/03/25 8:21pm)

Roughly eight months ago, Alex Jones lost a seminal case for Republican commentators to the family members of the Sandy Hook shooting. While the judge initially sentenced Jones to paying the plaintiffs 1.5 Billion dollars, he offered Jones an alternative, somewhat unorthodox sentence. Instead of paying the 1.5 Billion dollars, Jones would put a fraction of the money into opening and running a cute little bookstore that would only sell books written by lesbian authors. 






Aww! Freshman Couple Celebrates Three-Month Anniversary by Applying for Group Housing Together

(02/15/25 7:06pm)

Love is in the air, and housing is just around the corner! Room selection applications closed earlier this week, and freshmen across campus rushed to meet the last-minute deadline. Some freshmen came to some unfortunate realizations that they need to lie on their “lifestyle profile” so they don’t get another nightmare roommate, while others coped with not being as fat on the sophomore dining plan.


After Eagles Super Bowl Win, CVS Replaces Entire Viagra Section With Framed Photos of Cooper Dejean

(02/11/25 6:14pm)

The Philadelphia Eagles' Super Bowl win has made a lot of people happy. The players are world champions, Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirriani have silenced the doubters, and the fans had the opportunity to annihilate their own city brick by brick. But perhaps those who have gained the most from this dominant victory are none other than erectile dysfunction patients. 





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