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OP-ED: I Seem to be Losing my Socks

(03/28/22 2:36pm)

I am down to my last pair of socks, but things weren't always this way. There was a time, not so long ago, when I basked in a sea of socks. My feet were adorned with wonderful patterns, stripes, and colors of all sorts. They lived lives of splendor, and it brought me immense satisfaction to flaunt my bedazzled feet in the presence of strangers. Just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye.

Flummoxing: Student Won’t Stop Forcing Newly Learned Word Into Every Conversation

(11/17/21 4:15am)

Yesterday, in what is quickly proving to be one of the century’s most devastating tragedies, college sophomore Ronald Silver stumbled over a thesaurus on his morning walk through Kaskey Park. Not long after, the devastating effects of this harrowing event were being felt by those unlucky enough to engage in conversation with Silver. 

Inspiring: Brave Student Transforms Roommate's Side of Dorm into Compost Pile

(11/17/21 4:07am)

As our great Benjamin Franklin famously said, “Well done is better than well said.” Engineering freshman William Stewart has truly taken these words to heart since his recent arrival to Penn in late August. Unlike most students, who merely wallow in despair, Stewart has taken action to combat the monumental problem that is climate change. 

SHOCKING: Students Question Reality as Campus Wi-Fi Functions for 5 Consecutive Minutes

(10/11/21 8:08pm)

Early this morning, Penn’s community was shaken to its core by a truly shocking event: the campus Wi-Fi functioned for five consecutive minutes. And not five minutes of 240p buffering, but five minutes of blisteringly fast, high-quality, uninterrupted internet. Needless to say, some were left utterly shattered by this unthinkable occurrence.