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Going Green! Penn To Replace Liquid Dispensers in Every Campus Bathroom with La Plancha’s Soapy Ass Guac

(01/27/23 12:03am)

PHILADELPHIA, PA — ¡Ay, caramba! As students ease into their semesters after flocking back to campus from their winter break endeavors like shaking buttfuck ass in the Swiss mountains, a new sustainability initiative awaits them. Amid questions and concerns raised about the city’s standards of health policy due to temporary shutdowns of ACME and United By Blue in the University City section of Philadelphia, a new investigation cracks down on its latest criminal: the University of Pennsylvania’s underground storefront, La Plancha. Conducted during the students’ absence during winter break, numerous tests have yielded results that La Plancha’s “crowd favorite” guacamole tested a shocking 96% compatibility rate with alkali-saponificated sodium stearate. To the common man, that is soap.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2023/01/soap-guacamole-replacement

OP-ED: Calling Gutmann College House "The Gutty" Until I Quite Frankly Die

(10/25/22 3:34pm)

Hear ye, hear ye! United States Ambassador Amy Gutmann is currently somewhere in Germany. There is no argument that her impact at this school is everlasting, resounding, unforgettable. After all, she’s earned it—for 18 years, she held it down for Quakers worldwide. It makes sense that Penn idolizes the shit out of that poor 72-year old woman. It is important to ensure that the future generations of this college get the opportunity to taste the glory of Slaymy Gutwomann. I’m honored to have a building on campus named Gutmann Hall, where in 2024, after construction is finished, I’ll frolic the halls while thinking about her. 

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2022/10/nchw-gutty-amy-gutmann-die

BREAKING: Wharton First-Year Edges HOWWWW MANY PEOPLE???

(10/11/22 1:01pm)

The results of the Penn Student Government Elections for the Class Board of 2026 and Undergraduate Assembly—which were released late September—have caused quite the kerfuffle at the University of Pennsylvania. The electoral outcomes have left many astonished, jarred, and even ashamed to be a Quaker. The sacrilegious and intense extent that one candidate reached to secure their imaginary position has raised multiple questions and investigations regarding the ethical nature of the consensus.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2022/10/political-edging-breaking-voting

Fun Party Game: Guess Where I’m From but Every Time I Make Up a Fictional South Asian Country

(10/02/23 12:58pm)

Picture this: you’re at a party. Any party. Perhaps you managed to stitch your eyelids open to brave the mission of staying awake for 57 straight hours, just to show face at that one on-campus fraternity’s late-night, or maybe you’re really close with the people on your floor, and your RA throws a social in her bite-sized dorm, and every hallmate shows up because that is the way of life at Hill College House. Either way, a couple mixed drinks and a humbling shot of Svedka later, you begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity. 

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2023/10/new-game-racial-identity-south-asian-country

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