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OP-ED: Calling Gutmann College House "The Gutty" Until I Quite Frankly Die


Photo by University of Pennsylvania, with edits // cc2.0

Hear ye, hear ye! United States Ambassador Amy Gutmann is currently somewhere in Germany. There is no argument that her impact at this school is everlasting, resounding, unforgettable. After all, she’s earned it—for 18 years, she held it down for Quakers worldwide. It makes sense that Penn idolizes the shit out of that poor 72-year old woman. It is important to ensure that the future generations of this college get the opportunity to taste the glory of Slaymy Gutwomann. I’m honored to have a building on campus named Gutmann Hall, where in 2024, after construction is finished, I’ll frolic the halls while thinking about her. 

So tell me why the hell they just renamed New College House West “Gutmann College House?” Amy. Amyyyyy! Don’t you think that’s a bit much, a tad too selfish? I know you orchestrated it. The class of 2026 and onwards will never know the war you just began, Amy. You want Penn to resurrect a building in your honor? Commence with the construction! But you want to rename an already-existing, helpless building? Was that impossible to complete in Görlitz?

That building’s new title shan’t prosper on my grounds. That building is The Gutty. Guh-tee. ?????. Feels real nice on your throat, the taste of academic vengeance. I’ve invented this slur to use upon the patrons, the builders, and especially the namesake. I’m taking it to the grave! I fear by the time I graduate, I’ll receive my diploma from the University of Gutty…

Speaking of buildings here, everything is named after some prehistoric groupie. Why is Harrison College House named after W. Welsh Harrison, an alumnus from the Class of 1904, and not called the Pretty Pink College House? We need to, as a collective society, stop naming shit after boring people! Please have the same energy for me in 2095. Soon, I fear, the ever so popular KCECH will be christened as the new Magillian Dormitories next year.

While we’re at it… can I call dibsies on something? Puhhhhleaseeeeeee? What about a house in the Quad? Like Chesnut of Ware? It’s spelled incorrectly!

… What do you mean Gutmann claimed that already!?!?