Lionel Richie Reposing In Campus Copy
(01/24/11 3:00pm)
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Not only does Penn have a performance magic group called Penn Illusionist, but they're having a "special ballooning workshop" tomorrow at 8 p.m. in Platt. This is too much to handle. Don't get us wrong, we take magic very seriously; it's just that we have a couple questions before we attend: Do we need to bring our own balloons? What if we're afraid of balloons popping? If I tried to blow up a balloon but couldn't do it, would you do it for me? Would you do it if I said I had a cold sore? Sorry for grilling you with all these questions, Penn Illusionist. But let's face it: magic ain't easy.
Penn recently debuted its new mobile website that users can access from their iPhones/Blackberries/whatever. This snazzy little site gives updates about public safety, libraries and sports, in addition to providing maps and an Amy Gutmann tracker (we wish). Pretty neat, right?
First of all, what is the point of this? Also, who actually took time out of their day to make it? Finally, what's with all of these online crush sites? With CollegeACB, Spotted on Locust and Like A Little all floating around on t3h_iNteRweBz, we're getting scared to even go out on campus for fear that someone will sexually harass us from across Rosengarten or drop some trite chem pick-up lines on us. If you like someone, you may want to try to approach them the old-fashioned way. It's hard, we know, but maybe say "Hi!" or engage in conversation? Alright? Now, put on your champion smile and get out there, kiddo! How could anyone not like you?!
Benjamin Franklin has earned a number of titles in his life. Founding Father. Inventor of bifocals. Satirist. Founder of Penn. Sounds like he deserves a bit of respect, eh? Well, think again. Looks like the Ben statue by the Compass has taken a break from being the University's communal urinal to become the victim of some snow violence. But at least it's not yellow snow, right?
Well, hello there! Did you miss us over Winter Break? We were so busy mourning the losses our beloved Pronto and other friends, making resolutions and partying with some new faces that we didn't even notice how fast the past three weeks flew by. Although getting up early and doing homework really suck, here's a picture of a cute dog and some snazzy students from the 70s from the University's Digital Archives. So dress your best, don't forget your lunch money and remember to start your Spring Fling countdown (92 days). Happy Spring Semester, y'all!
Throw away your Penn hoodies, hats and scarves– New Balance is making Penn-inspired shoes! Yep, the athletic shoe company will soon be rolling out a collection of footwear that is based on the Ivy League. Harvard, Yale, Princeton and all those other fancy schools will also be included.
Jon M. Huntsman, the graduation speaker for the Class of 2010, may be considering running for President in the near future. A former Utah Governor and Obama's current Ambassador to China, this Republican has recently been getting attention from Newsweek and The Huffington Post (among others) about his Presidential intentions.
It's the most wonderful time of the year! Yep, 'tis the season of baking cookies, seeing old friends and getting drunk with your family. Contrary to popular belief, though, the holidays aren't meant for merriment; rather, they are a solemn time to sit there and think about what you did wrong this past year and to make New Year's resolutions you will (probably not) follow.
Ah! There it is, exactly what we needed for our final paper – a Four Loko! But really, is there anything better than looking for some dusty old book and finding a drank in its place? It's serendipity. Or serentipsy-ty. Either way, we're throwing a rager in our carrel. Holla at us!
Over the past week, there have been multiple sightings of this eagle outside both the Kap Sig chapter house and the McNeil building. We'd like to approach this mama-bird to stroke her silky feathers and see her cute lil' babies, but we're afraid we'll end up caught in her talons like the squirrel pictured above. In any case, Locust-walkers – beware!
We know finals season is upon us, and we know that you really want to do well on your exams so you're camping out in Van Pelt, but just take a second to reflect on your life. Your tests probably won't end up having too much weight on whatever it is that you end up doing. So do what our friends in Van Pelt 409 suggest and have some fun! Okay, now stop that nonsense and get back to work, you fool.
Water Crisis in the Quad! – Fact: water shutoffs are frequent (and extremely annoying) occurrences. But today, the water was shut off at 4 p.m. in parts of the Quad and has still not been turned on! The latest e-mail, sent out at 10:38 this evening, indicated that there was still not even an estimate of when the water would be turned back on. Get your shit together, Quad pipes!
Okay, 2013 Class Board, we get it. You designed some Harry Potter shirts by playing into tacky Penn stereotypes and made a few Potter-heads happy, and it was all the result of your hard work. We just don't really understand why you insist on reminding us about it. Are you trying to be collective Ego of the Week or something? If you promise to stop spamming our inboxes with your silly videos, we'll try to hook you up with our friends over at Street! Much love, UTB.
[Disclaimer: This article was part of our "Joke Day" series... if you couldn't tell by the usage of Comic Sans.] As the University Archives reported back in the Fall of 1987, things took a turn for the worse one day for our beloved Button. Steve Curtains, President of the newly-formed Dr. Seuss Fan Club (standing, far right), led dramatic readings of "The Cat in the Hat" and "Green Eggs and Ham" along with other members to raise awareness of Seuss's literature. After three-quarters of the group piled onto the Button, a loud snap was heard, and, well, the rest is history. Member Mary-Kate Sutton is reported to have felt little remorse about breaking the art installation in front of Van Pelt. "I do not like it here or there," she said. "I would not like it anywhere."
[Disclaimer: This article was part of our "Joke Day" series... if you couldn't tell by the usage of Comic Sans.] Madame the President was spotted at Copabanana last night. According to fellow denizens of Copa, she was the life of the party. As one freshmen (who wished to remain anonymous due to underage drinking laws) told us, "She has the best stories and always tells the funniest jokes. Definitely inviting her to my next girls' night! Love her!" And so do we, especially since it was widely rumored that she broke out some Coyote Ugly-style dance moves on the bar. However, when we contacted the Office of the President for further details, the reply was, "No comment."
[Disclaimer: This article was part of our "Joke Day" series... if you couldn't tell by the usage of Comic Sans.] After much deliberation, the social experts over at CollegeACB have reached a conclusion: Castle will be demoted from its first tier position and will inhabit the less prestigious second tier.
Get a free copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being – The English Undergraduate Advisory Board is giving away these books today until 1 p.m. Go get yours now in the Faculty Lounge of Fisher-Bennett Hall (room 135, to the right of the main staircase)! Update: Oops, we heard they ran out. Try back tomorrow?
A shopping cart locked to a bike stand in the Quad? Weird. But we're just kind of wondering the owner's rationale behind this – "LOLZ, I'm a douche who stole this shopping cart from FroGro, so I'm just going to lock it up here so some other douche doesn't steal it from me"
The university's newest Youtube gem is this "Penn's Stepping Up" video, which features the Penny Loafers doing a cringe-worthy remix of Diana Ross's masterpiece in order to publicize Penn's "Making History" campaign. The overly-peppy song is reminiscent of a local car dealership commercial jingle, and it makes us feel really uncomfortable. Also, the video description says that the clip includes "...an all-star cast of Penn alumni, students, faculty and friends," so why aren't we featured?! Tear.