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Did anyone else notice how there are finally leaves on the trees over Locust? It is remarkable how quickly they creep in and cast us in shadows. However, not to be overshadowed, we profiled Penn Players and their current musical LoveMusik. We pretended to be cultured.
Using modern technology is often confusing and sometimes embarrassing, which is why UTB conducts all its communications through elaborate smoke signaling. Unfortunately, not everyone is an early adopter, which led to this recent cringeworthy moment on the Communication listserv. Aside from the irony of this happening on the Communication listserv, this fiasco broke new grounds in email embarrassment.
Uber. Wharton. Privilege. Venture Capital. High ideas. Middle Class Status Anxiety. Fling Drunk. Tomorrow, all of these will combine into one of the coolest and strangest events we have ever seen. From noon to 4 p.m., if you request from University City, Center City, Old City, N3RD Street, Northern Liberties, or Fishtown, Uber will pick you up FOR FREE and you will have 15 minutes to pitch to Philly VCs and receive feedback on your idea.
A Business Insider writer recently learned about the "The Pennstitution," which is the name for Smokes given by people who also probably refer to us as Penn State. Smokes, home of failed presidential candidates and aging rock stars, was recently named one of the best college bars in America! If you have ever spent your Tuesday night dancing to Heroin while your friend regrets drinking that pitcher of Yuengling in the bathroom, then this award comes at no surprise. Also, Smokes' pizza is really good and criminally underrated (why doesn't anyone talk about this?!).
The list of senior societies seems to grow everyday. While you may not understand the strange chalking or ambiguous hand signs, just know these new taps are probably more accomplished than you. If you were tapped, congratulations, and if not, you can probably just start a senior society revolved around something random and superfluous, like enjoying Wawa or majoring in PPE.
Penn students know how to party. When Playboy crowned us king (heteronormative rankings only), they clearly imagined this poor student feverishly munching away on a Fisher-Bennett toilet. He or she may or may not have been rolling on molly or other cool drugs that we have totally done before, which explains why the pretzels are haphazardly spilt across the tile floor. Multitasking always comes at a price, and this price clearly was 2 dollars and 48 cents. While we cannot fault this Quaker for trying to enjoy a bathroom snack, we always stick with the food that forced us to that bathroom in the first place (ya...Commons).
Men across campus are rapidly selling off all their worldly possessions this week in order to have extra spending cash to woo Hermione when she arrives on campus. Local frat boys have been quoted as saying "Ya, she's like really hot, so like, I need that extra cash so I can pay for White Dog. Food there is hella pricey, but girls love it."
Spring break is over and that means the end of annoying, sabsy snapstories. Right? Wrong. As of yesterday, "UPenn" has its own snapstory where anyone in the Penn bubble can snap pictures. It won't be long till the "UPenn" snapstory is chronicling the average Penn student's life as he romps around in his gold Moncler, hunting man for sport.
The only reason why anyone goes away for Spring Break is to post the pictures on Facebook and hopefully impress their hot lab partner. Whether you are hitting the slopes in Aspen, or in PV, break is all about being cooler than that loser in your recitation who always glares at you for coming in hungover. But frankly, trips to PV or Istanbul, much like a Canada Goose jacket, are no longer a one-way ticket to sceney stardom. Lucky for you, we have scoured the globe to find you the most alternative spring break spots:
Ya, just kidding; you didn't get into your srat/frat/GDI crew by being different. Why be ~unique~ when you can just fly with the rest of the flock and get the same black Canada Goose and some sweet Bean Boots? Just follow the three simples rules of Penn fashion: 1. Your outfit should be monochromatic, 2. Your outfit should not cost less than $1000 dollars, and 3. If you gotta go with a color, it's gotta be salmon. No exceptions. If you play your basic little cards right, then maybe someday you will end up on this blog!
Fact One: Starbucks under Commons is the absolute best. Fact Two: Starbucks under Commons doesn't have a lot of outlets. Fact Three: This doesn't matter, refer back to fact one.
Adrian Chen, former Gawker writer and current editor at The New Inquiry is coming to speak on campus. Chen's writings examine the digital economy and networked digital platforms, examining parts of the deep web. He is famed for generating attention to the Silk Road, the place your frat bought your fake from, and also revealing the identity of a notorious Reddit pedophile. Chen's writings are quite frankly super modern and fascinating; he was writing about Bitcoin, livestream activism, and Anonymous all before they were cool. If anyone knows where the internet is going, it's Adrian Chen.
Every Penn student wants to be an entrepreneur as it's the only socially acceptable way to live in your parent's basement following graduation. For this Silicon Valley-bound Penn male, his journey to VC-stardom has already begun as he has found the newest, most-innovative way to sell his Econ-102 cheat sheet. Someone call our boy Dennis DeTurck because we really aren't sure if this is breaking some academic integrity codes.
Q: What is the difference between a macaron and a macaroon?
Being the number one party school isn't all fun and (drinking) games. As an IVY LEAGUE INSTITUTION it is just inconceivable that Penn students want to party or have fun, or you know, just live their lives without everyone coming along and writing a derogatory thinkpiece. Normally, this job is left to random outsiders to explain how and why we "difmo" or our overwhelming obsession with status. Luckily this time, we were analyzed by one of our own – how enlightening!
It seems like some people in Penn Student Government are getting quite confident. After helping host the strangest, most-WTF event of last year, NEC-member Frederick Ding has something to say about the UA’s new app, mostly that it sucks. Like a lot. Sorry guys :(
AEPi, also known as cooler APES, isn't the only thing recolonizing campus; Thai Singha House is making a comeback after being forced out by Distrito's colorful cubic lair (The Hub). After taking a year off and spending millions of dollars on a state-of-the-art website, Thai Singha House is ready to compete with Pattaya for your Thai appetite.
Q: What does Jon Huntsman Jr., 2x NBA Champion Matt Bonner, and your fake ID (that like totally passes) have in common?
Uber To Surge Price Your Wallet To Charity – Maybe that snowstorm we didn't get will come some other time, but who really knows for sure. To avoid the gross mess in the future, Uber to class where luckily prices will be capped at only (!!!) 2.9x the normal rate! All surge pricing proceeds go to Red Cross relief so you'll be giving back while keeping your Goyard tote safe.
Nothing gold can stay, and boy was Robert Frost right. As an Ivy Leaguer, he knew how hard it is to prove one's cultural elitism since it seems like everyone is taking an Uber to Whisper in their Moncler. It's just getting really hard out there to prove you're high society. Luckily, there's a solution.