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BREAKING: Jared Wants to Know What Ethnicity You Are


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

Reports surfaced late last night that Jared wants to know what ethnicity you are.

Curiosity peaked when you walked in the door to Sigma Omega Sigma with your five best friends, and Jared did not immediately know what your place of ancestry was. However, full on confusion, desperation and panic did not set in until your initial Jewish, Hispanic, and Indian vibes wore off and he was left convinced you must be a mix of something. Maybe Lebanese?

“This is an unprecedented level of curiosity,” said Michael Sanders, head of Penn’s sociology department. “Usually off the bat someone like Jared would eliminate a couple countries of ancestral origin just based off of deeply held stereotypes, but today Jared is keeping all possibilities open.”

Sources close to Jared confessed to UTB reporters that Jared was really thrown for a loop because of your “dope but for sure ambiguous and super bizarre name.” 

“It’s like, she definitely could be Middle Eastern, but also could be Hispanic. I could also see her being Pakistani, and also Chinese, and also Nigerian.  Probably a bit of Azerbaijani too if we're being honest. This just feels really important right now," Jared made clear. "I have to know."

Sources on the scene reported that Jared felt uneasy with your eventual and coerced response of, “Jew from Chicago.” Jared reportedly felt there must be something else mixed into those genes and that the success of Friday’s party rested upon him figuring out your true heritage.

“Nah she’s definitely half-sies of something. It just doesn’t add up,” Jared noted before taking long pull from a handle he didn’t buy.