Need to Postpone Your Midterm? Here are the 5 Tastiest Doorknobs on Campus

Midterm season is upon us, and maybe you’re not feeling quite so hot about that stat class as you were during preregistration. But there’s a way out—take a close look at that syllabus. See it? “Students may schedule a makeup midterm if they are sick on exam day.”

That’s it! But how are you going to get sick by Monday?

With that, here are Under the Button’s top five tastiest doorknobs for the 2018-19 academic year.

1. Rodin Lobby Bathroom

People desperate enough to use a college house bathroom probably have somewhere to be fast, and maybe they aren’t washing their hands quite as thoroughly as they should be. If at all.

PROS: easily accessible

CONS: unreliable, heavily dependent on hygienity of students on a given day

2. DRL Janitor’s Closet

DRL’s janitors have seen a lot. After a hard day of scrubbing gum off of desks and disinfecting post-exam vomit, do you really think they’re going to waste time on cleaning the supply closet? 

PROS: close to a lot of exam rooms, you can try your luck with a quick lick and maybe you’ll double over before the professor calls time

CONS: cleaning fluid residue might undo your hard work and kill your poor pathogenic friends

3. 1920 Commons Compost Room

Penn is like a great organism, and Commons is its septic intestine. Maybe spoilage will improve the flavor?

PROS: early access to the hottest new plagues as they develop in real time

CONS: there are poor starving history grad students who need that compost, you monster

4. Copa Back Door

You’re out for a night of fun, and then—shoot—you remember that there’s a test tomorrow and you’re completely unprepared. 

PROS: allows you to break out of the Penn pathogenic bubble, with access to the diseases of the greater West Philly community

CONS: studies show that bacteria can get drunk off of alcohol fumes, and they’re a lot less effective

5. 30th Street Station Subway Floor

Sure, this isn’t even close to a doorknob, and it isn’t really on campus. But you’re desperate.

PROS: you’ll be so contagious that you’ll get the rest of your class sick too. They’ll thank you later!

CONS: the plague that steams from your putrefying body will spread amongst the whole of the Northeast corridor. First Philadelphia, then New York, then Boston: one by one, the storied cities will fall before the Pale Horse. For you are Death, its rider, and you will undo what was never meant to be. 

This will possibly raise the average on the test, and you really can’t afford that.