OP-ED: I Know You Ate My Food, Sharon, I Saw It on My Nanny Cams

There’s a fox in the henhouse, and I know it’s you, Sharon.

I bet you thought you were pretty damn clever with your “maybe you’d remember eating your own food if you didn’t come home blackout drunk four nights a week!” excuses. That is, at best, a flimsy cover, and, at worst, gaslighting.

You probably thought nothing of it when you came home one day to find our kitchen filled with stuffed animals tactically positioned around and inside the refrigerator, but guess what, Sharon? Each and every one of those bears was a nanny cam, and I now have definitive proof that it is you, not I, who is eating all my leftover General Tso’s tofu.

Be warned that I’ve already sent the tapes to OSC and the Penn Police, and I expect them to reach out shortly regarding your reparations.