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Freshman Clutching Pedialyte Bottle at Hill Brunch Wants YOU To Know He Drank Alcohol Last Night!


Photo by jarmoluk / CC0

Yo, this kid is sick! Jared Wells (C ’22) sipped on the devil’s sweet, sweet nectar last night at a few parties thrown by some dudes who he’s actively trying to impress by reflecting an inauthentic version of himself. One thing led to another, and he had a few too many “handle pull then baby barf a little bit” moments.

He woke up parched and with a throbbing headache, and immediately looked at the clock: 11:34 a.m. “It’s my time to shine,” thought Wells. He reportedly grabbed the oversized bottle of children’s medicine and speed-walked to Hill brunch.

Entering the dining hall, Wells conspicuously gripped the obnoxiously colored orange Pedialyte out in front of him so everyone minding their own business and not looking at him would continue not giving a shit. Running into a few friends, he cradled the bottle and took dramatic swigs of the syrup in the middle of sentences. 

“I’m just living my life, tryna recover. I’m all about the electrolyte replenishment. I just really care about my health and want others to know that, yeah, I party,” said Wells.

After Wells ate his first plate of eggs and bacon, he went back up to get more food, zig-zagging in and out of tables while holding the Pedialyte directly in front of diners’ faces, causing a scene as he attempted balancing his plates on his arm as he drank the supposed hangover cure.

We hope the Pedialyte helped the hangover, Jared. Also, you’re really cool for drinking alcohol, man.