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GoPuff Beer Delivery Ordered for Eagles Parade Finally Arrives

Screenshot by Elias Rappaport

After nine months of getting his hopes up, Jeremy Bird (C ‘20) didn’t want to get fooled again. But this time it was really happening.

At 11:09 a.m. last Monday, Bird received the text he had wished to see since the day the Eagles won Super Bowl 52. The text from an unknown number read “yo it’s ur GoPuff.” Bird couldn’t believe it was finally the day he would receive his nine-month, trunk-aged rack of Natural Light. He promptly put his party pants on to go meet up with this bearer of good times.

Despite Bird’s enthusiasm, the past nine months had been hard— full of lies and deception. “They kept feeding me false hope,” he lamented. “Even after 45 days, they’d still text me that they’re sorry for ‘running a liiiiiiil later than we expected.’”

When Bird tried calling their ‘Homie Hotline’ (not fake), he was provided little information on the whereabouts of his order. 

“Every time I called I talked to a different guy named Chad, who’d just tell me, ‘chill brooo, you’re killing my vibes,’” Bird said. “I could literally hear bong rips and fortnite being played in the background. I’ve gotta say though, the Chads did seem like some homies.”

Nine months later, Bird was ready to put the past behind him. Although the Eagles superbowl parade was long over, that Monday did happen to be the ‘International Day of Rural Women.' He and his friends could at least drink to that.

Bird walked up to the space-black Prius that housed his long-awaited order and dapped up the driver Chaz. GoPuff strictly requires all purchasers of alcohol be 21 years old, so Jeremy handed his ID to Chaz.

“Yo boss, I’m not tryna be that guy, but I’m boutta be that guy. This ain’t scanning my dude,” said Chaz, who was way too high for 11 a.m. So Chaz drove away, beer in hand. Luckily for Bird, if he re-ordered the rack today, he’d be well over 21 by the time it came. Dilly, dilly my friend.