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Penn Ranked Fourth Worldwide for Innovation, Producing 20 Million Gallons of It Per Year


Photo taken by Tiffany Pham / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn’s at it again! After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list. That’s right—we’re number four in the world!

This is all thanks to the hard work of Kim Pierce, Vice Provost for Innovation. 

“Last year,” noted Dr. Pierce, “we barely produced any innovation at all. Can you believe it? Only 20,000 gallons of the stuff a year! But when we started to really pour money into the Pennovation center and our other research facilities, the glop just started to flood out.”

Pierce’s office reports that Penn produces upwards of 20 million gallons of raw innovation a year, with much more on the horizon.

“It’s a relief, really," noted one of Pierce’s deputies, “My boss was so adamant about getting as much of that stuff as possible that there was talk of fracking the deep innovation ore reserves under campus, and heaven knows the Fossil Free kids are riled up enough already.”

At press time, Dr. Pierce was found maniacally squeezing an M&T sophomore, frantically asking “where the juice was” and insisting that she “really needed some right now.”