Penn to Unveil New Dining Plans: LOL, WTF, and ASS

You’ve tried BFF. You’ve already had a mouthful of BEN. Heck, at some point you considered trying PPE. 

But if you’re still struggling to find that one perfect meal plan, then these new, upcoming options just may be on the table. UTB reached out to Penn Dining General Manager Carl Haim for the deets.

LOL

LOL, or “Lots of Lunches,” cleverly restricts students to a lunch-only regimen.

“Why waste time stopping for breakfast and dinner when you can gorge yourself and stockpile energy for one full day?” Haim remarked.

Although students are barred from eating during morning and evening hours, the cost of LOL is somehow equivalent to other basic dining plans. When asked about this discrepancy, Haim lashed out with rage:

“What? It’s literally all you can eat. It pays for itself!”

WTF

“We had some real fun with this one,” Haim snickered with glee.

WTF, otherwise known as “Where’s The Food?” allows students to experience world-class culinary experimentation from their own personal chefs.

“Yesterday, Gustave served me horse meat frittata,” freshman beta tester Chris Jenkins recounted. “Beside the occasional hair and the penetrating taste of fresh blood, it actually wasn’t too bad. Sure beats Commons.”

ASS

“This one has got to be one of my favorites,” Haim said, speaking of the last dining plan to be added to the entourage: ASS. The plan, which stands for “Awesome Soups and Sauces,” gives participants access to exclusive liquid foods at select dining halls.

“Our food science department has discovered that the most efficient way of delivering nutrients to the body is by fluid,” Haim divulged. “Without a doubt, ASS is the most groundbreaking initiative we've launched since flavored food.”

Penn obviously has huge plans for ASS. From traditional minestrone to soylent-based sauce beverages, students would be hard-pressed to find chow they don’t like.

“Our goal?" Haim declared with a smirk, "We want every student eating ASS by the end of this year.”