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Sophomore Now Survives on Diet Consisting Only of Edible Shrubbery


 Photo by David Iliff / CC-BY-SA 3.0 

Several weeks ago, a report was published listing all the edible shrubbery on Penn’s campus. Ever since, Penn’s edible plants have replaced all other sustenance for sophomore Kristine Cole.

“I started out with the free food facebook group, but quickly learned that in order to get free food from social gatherings, I would first have to attend social gatherings. That became a problem.”

Cole went on to describe her troubles in contending with other people to get food. “Every conversation I had at a GBM was like some primal fight for who gets to eat first. It was like a competition over who could pretend to care about finance or the community or whatever for the longest. It also inevitably ended with someone telling some long story about their life while the rest of us eyed the food from across the room. I decided I would much rather contend with squirrels over hickory nuts than listen to a single more of Janice’s stories from her high school cheerleading days.”

Several concerns have emerged regarding Cole’s new eating pattern, the first being with her disturbance of the ecosystem... the dining hall ecosystem, that is. “Yeah, I gave my PennCard to a squirrel,” stated Cole while munching on a literal stick. “He likes Houston the best, but Commons is a runner up. Personally, I prefer the birdfeeder on 42nd and Walnut.”

Additionally, although all Penn students are encouraged to try the plants on campus, there are only approximately enough edible plants to support a single person. Professor of horticulture Dr. Dirk Brown voiced his concern. “Actually I’m not concerned about the population of plants. No one else is going to eat the stupid hickory nuts. I’m just worried this girl is going to eat something she’s not supposed to eat and end up dying. Or worse, suing the university.”

Despite some people's reservations, you can often look to the trees to spot a wild Cole hunting in her natural habitat. Just don’t make any sudden movements, or you’ll scare her away.