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SHS Diagnoses Virgin With Four STDs


Photo by Petr Kratochvil / CC0 

The first visit to Student Health Services for Engineering freshman Ethan Jackson was was supposed to be routine. He thought he had a cold, and he wanted to receive some advice on how to improve his health.  But when he showed up to SHS with slight congestion, he received a grave diagnosis.  

“You’re dying,” the SHS practitioner told him.

“But I just have a head cold,” responded Ethan.  

“No. You will be dead within the week," the practitioner insisted. "I think you have chlamydia, HPV, gonorrhea and herpes.”

This news shocked Ethan.  Not only did he only exhibit symptoms of a mild head-cold, but the CIS major had taken a pledge of abstinence at age sixteen, and is considering priesthood as his career.  

“I remember that day so vividly," Ethan recalled. "The doctor said that STDs can often lie dormant and undetected, and that I ‘had a super skanky vibe.’  She gave me eight prescriptions, a few of which I’m pretty sure were seasonal allergy medications, and one of which was an extra-strength anti-dandruff shampoo.”

The worst part, though, is that Ethan had signed a HIPPA consent form that guarantees all of his medical information immediately be sent to his parents after each SHS appointment. Needless to say, they were shocked and outraged by the diagnosis. His father reportedly sent the practitioner an inflammatory email that included the line, “No son of mine is going to sleep around like that without consequences.” But his mother sent a follow-up email with the subject line, "Yasssss Ethan, get it in!!!!"

A mere 24 hours after his appointment, however, Ethan was cleared of all symptoms. When pressed for comment, his practitioner said, “I still suspect the worst. I think he might also have mono and pneumonia, in addition to the STDs. Something’s bound to get him one of these days.”