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Can’t Afford a Whole Building? Other Places to Score a Dedication, by Dollar Amount

Photo by Son Nguyen / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Have you ever looked up at a Penn building and thought, “Whoa, I wish I had several million dollars to donate to the school that has already sucked me dry of my money and my will to live! Wouldn’t it be great to have my name on a building?” Neither have we, but here are a couple ways you can still score a coveted dedication while paying off your student loans in this lifetime:

Price point: $1–100 

$0: Mark's Cafe, but only if your name is already Mark.

$10: Custom engraved dry erase marker for your choice of Huntsman GSR, hand-cut by an underpaid minion over in the MEAM labs.

$15: The dirt beneath a bench dedicated to a much richer person.

$50: One of those creepy King’s Court bathtubs. Included is the dynasty of shed skin cells and their mutated spawn that has accumulated in the pipes.

Price point: $100–1000 

$114: DRL, now [Your Name] Laboratory for just $114!

$300: A garbage can on prime real estate in Huntsman. For measly $7.25 an hour more, someone will stand guard over it and make sure that recycling goes into the matching recycling bin (matching recycling bin not included)!

Price point: $1000–10,000

$1200: Textbooks for a full year — write your name on the inside cover and tote them proudly for the world to see.

$1500: A door in Van Pelt. (Offer only includes doors to bathroom stalls on the second and ground floors.)

$9,999 (reduced from $10,000 — offer won't last long!): The air inside the lower left hole in the Button.

Price point: $10,000+ (Whoa fat cat, are you sure this article is for you? I’m not the person to ask, but this seems like real dedication territory!)

$50,000: A tree, probably! A shrub, at least! A bench! A brick! The university is yours for the taking!

$60,000: For low, low price of $60,000 a year, I will personally sport your name on my person every single day while I walk around campus. I am seen by at least fifteen people every day, so this is a great option for the donor seeking exposure.

(Note: Donations above do not come with the usual guaranteed entry into Penn for your progeny.)