Heartbreaking: Freshman Realizes 'BBB' Major Doesn't Stand for 'Big Booty Bitches'

Why do I think Penn is the right school for me? Three words: Big Booty Bitches. 

That's how I started my "Why Penn?" essay when I first applied, and I got in. I was so excited to find a school that would let me major in what I was really passionate to learn about. 

But, as God giveth and God taketh away, I only now realized that my dream was too good to be true. The University of Pennsylvania is no place for a man devoted to spending his entire life pursuing Big Booty Bitches. 

Only soulless cowards study the Biological Basis of Behavior (the actual BBB) or Pussy, Penises, and Epistemology (PPE). If you need me, I'll be sending transfer applications to schools that'll actually appreciate my talents, like Dartmouth or Cornell.