God Himself Withdraws From CIS 160

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Graphic by Belinda Liu, Photos from Wikimedia Commons, Pixabay, Pixabay / CC0, Penn Engineering, and The Daily Pennsylvanian

In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following Midterm 1.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS A COMBINATORIAL PROOF?” He thundered from above, through a rapturous chorus of angels and cherubs. “WHAT IS ‘STARS AND BARS?' I MAY HAVE GOTTEN A 21% ON THE MIDTERM BUT EVEN I KNOW THAT A SEVEN QUESTION MIDTERM WITH PARTS A, B, C, AND D FOR QUESTION ONE IS ACTUALLY A ELEVEN QUESTION MIDTERM.”

According to the CIS website, CIS 160 “provides an introduction to proof principles and logics, functions and relations, induction principles, combinatorics and graph theory,” and is offered during the Fall, Spring, and Summer semesters.

“THIS IS ASSUREDLY NOT THE WORK OF MAN OR ANY CREATURE GOOD AND PURE. HE WHO ATTAINS AN A IN CIS 160 HAS SURELY EATEN FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE AND SHALL NOT ATTAIN ENTRANCE INTO HEAVEN,” the God of Miracles decreed.

Students taking CIS 160 seemed largely unalarmed by this news, having either already begun worshipping Prof. Rajiv Gandhi as their new god, or having generally no concern for the consequences of their mortal actions.

“Who gives a shit about getting into Heaven when you could get into the Big Four?” one student said.

“MANKIND WAS A MISTAKE. I GAVE YOU THE INTEGERS AND LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE,” the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth said, before the skies cleared and He disappeared in a loud clap of thunder. “I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AT FIVE DAYS OF CREATION, BECAUSE HEAVEN KNOWS I HAVEN’T HAD A SINGLE DAY OF REST SINCE ENROLLING IN THIS FORSAKEN CLASS.”

When asked for a comment, Prof. Gandhi only shrugged and said, “This is CIS 160, not the Garden of Eden.”

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