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BREAKING: Freshman Buys One Plant and Starts Referring to Her Dorm as a 'Space'


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

Early Wednesday afternoon, College freshman Elizabeth Parker was returning home from Pottruck when she decided to make a quick stop at the weekly campus farmer’s market outside of the bookstore. Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.

“She won’t stop talking about how the ‘greenery’ really ‘elevates’ our ‘space,’” said Josephine Adams, a freshman in Engineering and Elizabeth’s roommate. “Like, first of all, we live in Hill.”

Josephine reported that Elizabeth had returned home and completely rearranged the furniture in the room. “I asked her why my bed was in the hallway and she just ignored me and started talking about the ‘gorgeous contrived patina’ on her desk, which she moved to the exact center of the room, and how her cactus made such a 'chic conversational piece,'” Josephine recalled. “I was like, okay, but why is my bed in the hallway?”

Elizabeth has also allegedly installed a 1000W grow light in the center of the room, and keeps it on for 20 hours a day to ensure that the cactus receives adequate light.

When asked, Elizabeth confirmed Josephine’s story, adding that “Josephine has yet to thank me or compliment my improvements to our space, which is strange, but I am sure she will once the feng shui makes her less of an asshole.”