4 Carabiners to Let That Guy in Your Econ Lecture Know You're Not Interested
Photo by Eliza Jouin
December 2, 2018 at 12:10 pm
Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough. On one hand, you must commend Jeffery in Econ 010 for not making any assumptions. But on the other, you're really trying to show, not tell, your sexual orientation: you're sick and tired of coming out.
You tried wearing flannels, but straight girls started wearing them. Then you broke the Birks out, and same thing. Doc Martens seemed like they would do the job, but goddamn it. Is nothing considered sacred anymore?
Well that's just it: carabiners are. The only women who wear them are either rock climbers or massive lesbians, and — winner winner chicken dinner! — you are the latter. That being said, here is a list of four carabiners that will let even your finance professor know you applied to the Goldman Sachs Pride Summit.
1. The Basic
This carabiner is the standard model, and it's good for most jobs. While it can't take on the most oblivious men, you're effectively cutting out about 80% of the guys who hit on you by wearing this one. You can find it at just about any hardware store, and, let's be honest, you know where the nearest one is. If you're really desperate, a lot of UPenn water bottles come with carabiner clips, so just head down to the Penn Bookstore.
2. The Heavy Duty
Okay, let's say The Basic didn't quite do the trick. That may be a sign it's time to break out the heavy duty model. This bad boy isn't just for your three keys (house door, room door, bike lock) — it can deal with ropes. Do you even own a rope? Of course not, but you could. Anyway, with this model you're cutting out about 95% of flirtatious men, as opposed to a measly 80%, and you're three keys will look even cooler.
3. The One You Got From Your Ex-Girlfriend
This model reeks of lesbian love. Your high school sweetheart thought this would be a cute Valentine's Day present because, "haha you're gay." You've never worn it because, well, look at it. However, you're getting desperate.
4. A Belt of Carabiners
Nothing is working. You give up. In a cruel world such as this one, you must result to just wearing a belt consisting of linked carabiners. Do you still think I want to go to your date night, Jeffrey? Does my actual carabiner belt not express that I in no way want to go with you? No? Okay, but drinks are on you.