'That Wasn't So Bad' and Four Other Idiotic Things People Say Seconds After Failing Their Exams

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Photo by Alberto G. / CC BY 2.0

1. “That wasn’t so bad.”

Ignore that deep gnawing in your soul and plaster a half-hearted smile on that disgusting face of yours as you utter these words to your friends. You know, the friends who are infinitely more intelligent than you are and can ever hope to be. But, yeah, that exam was a total breeze. You got like, a third of question two done before time was called, and only skipped, like, three parts of question one. Those 15 hours of studying in Van Pelt definitely paid off. (Trust us, they didn’t.)

2. “Aw, fuck.” 

Sometimes walking out of an exam you just know that you were boned so hard that you won’t be able to sit comfortably for a week. But honestly, you kind of crave the pain. You knew what you were getting yourself into last night when you agreed to get absolutely shit-faced with your hall. Sometimes you just really need a study break to loosen yourself up, you know? And sure, maybe you DID stay up until three in the morning. But honestly, has a full eight hours of sleep really helped anyone pass a CIS 160 midterm? And don’t even lie, we know you’re going to do it all over again for that Math 240 exam you have at 8 a.m. tomorrow, you naughty thing you. 

3. “I’m dropping out.”

We both know that Mom and Dad paid too much in tuition costs for you to drop out now.

4. “Hello, MERT? Help.” 

In DRL, no one can hear you scream — and that includes MERT. Besides, what’s MERT going to do beside give you a nice, cool glass of water? MERT can’t salvage your 2.0 GPA. MERT won’t help you get into the med school of your dreams. MERT won’t even let you ride on one of their spiffy bicycles. You’re on your own bucko, and this pathetic mewl for help is just wasting everyone’s time. 

5. Nothing.

That’s right. Nothing can explain the colossal L that you just took on that Chem 101 exam. Why bother flapping your vocal cords together when your brain is utterly bereft of intelligent thought? It’s best if you just retreat back to your dorm, stone-faced, and throw yourself onto your bed like the pile of human garbage that you are. Sit in solitary darkness and contemplate how your life has been a culmination of misery that has been coronated with this most recent and dreadful failure. Skip that bio recitation and take a four hour nap — you’ve earned it champ. 

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