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Freshman MERTed Out of Exam: 'That Had Me Fucked Up'


Photo by Alex Neir and Melanie Lei / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Cole Denison (C ’22) entered his microeconomics midterm with high hopes and an unsettling (though surprisingly invigorating) combination of nausea and diarrhea. The way in which he left the exam, though, was something he truly could not anticipate. 

“I literally just blacked the fuck out. After I read that problem about the Pigouvian tax, I knew I was done for,” he bravely recounted. 

His classmates recalled looking up from their exams for a brief moment then quickly refocusing on their work as Denison’s limp body began to slide off his seat and start to tumble down the lecture hall’s steps. 

“I don’t have time for that dramatic shit,” fellow microeconomics student and Denison’s roommate, Charles Pusher (C ’22) told UTB. “He’s what my dad calls, ‘Weak.’” 

MERT First-Responder Jenny Crane (E ’20) shared a final analysis of the event: “After running some tests, we discovered that his collapse could’ve been due to the almost extravagant number of Adderall pills in his system. But this was immediately ruled out after we took a look at the exam — Yup, that test definitely had him fucked up.”