Five Ways to Lie About Your 2.0 GPA this Holiday Season
Photo by amboo who / CC BY-SA 2.0
December 12, 2018 at 9:38 am
Ho ho ho. 'Tis the season, and if you have anything lower than a 4.0, your ass is grass and your family is going to mow it. But that’s okay—in preparation for the holiday season, UTB has made a guide on how to hide that GPA from your judgmental Aunt Sharon.
1. Lie through your teeth
A little white lie never hurt anyone, right? Honestly, there isn’t even much of a difference between a 2.0 and 3.7. You did have a difficult semester, after all, and you don’t need to experience additional emotional trauma from your family. And when you finally get off the waitlist for that GEOL 104 class, next semester will be a breeze.
Oh, what’s that, Aunt Sharon? My GPA? Haha, yeah it’s great. Oh, by the way, have you heard that Aunt Linda is serving GMO corn tonight? Yeah, you better get on that — like right away, before she poisons us with her science. Me? I’ll be right here for when you get back.
3. Fake illness
With the uncomfortable degree of exposure you had to hand-foot-and-mouth this past semester, this one shouldn’t be too hard to pull off. Even if you’re not the greatest actor, do not fear. Penn is veritable petri dish of diseases and other maladies, so if you don’t get at least one strain of hand-foot-and-mouth disease before you head home for the holidays you must be doing something wrong. Quarantined in your family’s basement, you can enjoy your holiday ham in blissful solitude.
If Aunt Sharon is particularly aggressive this year, don’t be afraid to fight back. You have all the tea on her and you are not afraid to spill it. Mention the shameful divorce and her current unhappy marriage. Talk about how her potato salad is inedible and that it has been for the past ten years. And, if you have to go nuclear, mention how those extra twenty pounds look really good on her.
But let’s face it: Sharon’s a real cougar and she’s got teeth. Don’t start fights you can’t win. Retreat and live another day. Find the nearest unoccupied bathroom, lock the door, and fake bowel issues for as long as possible. At dinnertime, keep your eyes low and your mouth stuffed, and be ready to run for an extra fork when you sense trouble on the horizon. Keep that up for a few days, and maybe you’ll keep your GPA a secret for another holiday season.