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Spooky! Half the People at This Party Have Hand Foot Mouth Disease but We Won’t Say Who


Photo from United States Air Force / CC0

Fall is coming to an end with winter right around the corner, and you know what that means— Halloween szn is here! Every house, club, and frat is ready to throw the freakiest get togethers of the season. None will be more spooky than the upcoming Halloween party at ΒΩΩ. UTB reporters have confirmed half of the party guests will have festering Hand Foot Mouth disease, but for privacy reasons, we cannot tell you which guests those will be.

Some attendants at the party this Friday evening will have full blown Hand Foot Mouth, with blisters on their hands and sores on the inner cavity of their mouth, but others will still be in early stages— actively contagious but with no visible symptoms. A handful of partygoers will be wearing surgical masks, some as an accessory to their sexy nurse get up, and others to cover the oozing pustules on their face developed after contracting the disease reserved for children who don’t wash their hands. 

UTB reporters were given unprecedented access to SHS records to decipher which of those who RSVPd going to the party are infected but, out of courtesy to the source, cannot publish that information. We can assure you the source is credible, and that half of the people at the party will be highly contagious.

The ghostly thrills don’t stop there! When attendants go to grab a drink, two of the five vodka handles on the counter will have been passed around the entire party, with an estimated 40 people putting their saliva on each of the two bottles. The other three bottles will be new, but the bartender will be too drunk to tell you which is which, what went where, and if the girl coughing in the corner with princess gloves on went anywhere near the bar.

So if you're in the mood for a spook-tacular Halloween, look no further than ΒΩΩ’s rager. And if you want to make out with three people at the party, don’t stress about Hand Foot Mouth too much— you probably already have the disease anyway.