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Report: Majority of Wharton Students Can't Graph Lines, but They Sure Can Snort Them


Photo by Dovani Official / CC0

It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.

A recent study conducted by the Office of Student Affairs concluded that the majority of Wharton students operate on the mathematical level of a 5th grader. Their ability to snort cocaine — however — was found to be on par with fully-fledged drug addicts. Although they failed to graph simple parabolas and solve for “x” in the math section of the study, they nevertheless exceeded expectations in the “Rail 15 Lines of Coke as Fast as You Can” subtask.

“The system of equations question was a doozy,” lamented finance major and test subject Douglas Brown (W ‘21). “But the crack part was a breeze. Literally. A breeze carrying the good-good straight into my nose, I mean.”

Penn has taken measures to better accommodate Wharton students and their natural affinities.

“We’re getting rid of the calculus requirement, which was something many students seemed to struggle with,” Wharton professor Glenda Buhl said. “In its place we’re trying a new class with actual, real-world application: RAIL 101.”

The class, which involves doing 101 lines of coke before the end of the semester, will be facilitated by an all-new Wharton-exclusive cocaine dispenser, planned for installation next year across from the Wharton-exclusive CAPS physician.

“Hey guys, sorry to break on this interview, but I’ve really gotta get to class,” Brown suddenly stammered to UTB, a frenzied look in his eyes.