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This Year I'm Keeping With My New Years Resolution Of Not Jacking Off In Van Pelt


Every year during new years, millions of people decide on bullshit ways to better themselves. Losing weight? No thanks. Eating healthy? Yeah, good luck with that. Being a “nicer person”? Who even are you? Those resolutions are stupid and tame, but this year, I’m going after the big one. In 2019, I will resist the ultimate temptation: I’m not gonna jerk off in Van Pelt anymore. 

We’ve all been there. It’s a late night in VP; you’ve been working on that paper for what feels like forever. You’re tired, frustrated, fed up, and you need to get your head back in the game. A fourth coffee probably won’t do much at this point, and as much as you try to fight it, that fifth floor bathroom is just calling your name. You swallow your pride, head up the stairs, see the beautiful, little green tab – vacant

Those fifteen minutes of bliss got me through a lot of hard nights, but no longer. This year I’m a changed man. While you all debase yourselves with corrupt animalistic needs, catch me staying pure (doing a line of pure cocaine anytime I get tired).