5 Mixed Drinks That Scream, "I Won't Be Able to Get Hard Tonight"
Photo by Ben Scholzen/ CC By 2.0
February 20, 2019 at 11:28 pm
You’re with your cute date at a happy hour – or maybe a date night. Who remembers? Things have gone well so far. You’ve made a couple funny jokes, bought yourself a few drinks, and almost touched hands while sitting in the Uber. You’re hoping they’ll invite you over (you haven’t done laundry since you moved out of the quad), but you know one thing for sure: no matter what happens, you will not be getting hard tonight. Here are five mixed drinks that scream “I am physically incapable of having an erection.”
1. Tequila Sunrise
This is a delicious drink. Tequila, orange juice, and some sweet grenadine combine to pack one hell of a punch. Drink about six or seven of these to loosen up and really get into the music. With this drink, you're screaming "I'm here to have a good time!" and "I am going to severely disappoint you in bed later!"
2. Gin and Vodka
This drink is not good and you will not enjoy it, but I'll be damned if it doesn't make a statement. It is a D-Day style onslaught that your penis will simply not be able to handle, and everyone around you knows it. The gin and vodka sends a clear message to your date to lower their expectations for later tonight.
3. Four Cigarette Butts and a Shot of Whiskey
It's late in the night, and you are trashed. Smoking is bad for you, but you're drunk and need some of that sweet, sweet nic. You spend 15 minutes begging other bar patrons if you can "bum a loosie" off them, then smoke those babies down to the bone as close to your date's face as possible. You wash that taste out of your mouth with a shot of whiskey to seem classy, but it goes down the wrong pipe, and you spend fifteen minutes having a coughing fit in the bathroom. The only thing limper than your dick is your date's hope of having sex.
4. Half a Viagra dissolved in a bottle of Nyquil
You're trying your best.
5. Vodka Sauce on Penne Pasta
Whoops. Instead of a mixed drink, you ordered an entrée. Good call – all those carbs will go straight to your penis.