OP-ED: Capital One Cafe Isn't like Other Cafes, It's Worse

Capital One Cafe isn’t like other cafes. It’s worse. Let me explain.

I walk in, and I’m immediately swarmed with smiley greetings encouraging me to open a Capital One credit card. I’m kinda flattered, since that must mean my forehead tattoo of “irresponsible” isn’t quite legible these days, but I’m annoyed nonetheless.

The GSR-esque rooms and general ambience of capitalism remind me all too well of an academic building that shall not be named. It’s a microcosm of coffee and money. At this point, Penn should look into adding it to its real estate portfolio. I’ll send an inquiry over to the right people — that would likely be a profitable venture.

Peet’s Coffee objectively tastes like swamp water, yet the murkiness is somehow elevated when paired with COC’s seasonal decorations. Their iced cold brew has undertones of ass when sipped by itself, but when you add in Capital One Cafe's President’s Day streamers and themed illustrations on a whiteboard? Ass AND sadness.

The worst part about COC? Its location is so damn convenient. No matter how hard I Yelp to find another location that’s marginally better than this shit hole, I will somehow always gravitate to its rather lovely Rittenhouse halls. 

See you this weekend, Capital One Cafe.