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Curve Breaker: Wharton Student Hires Crisis Actors to Fail Econ


Photo by Enhialus / CC0

Leslie Sacks (W ‘22) isn’t your ordinary Whartonite.

She drinks her coffee black and her cereal, too. She microdoses not once, but twice per hour. As a baby, her crib was lined with only the finest of materials: Canada Goose feathers. She was, quite literally, born for business.

So when an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.

“I knew I had to succeed,” Sacks said. “No matter the cost.”

After failing to come up with an answer for a mind-melting opportunity cost question, Sacks whipped out her phone and called a couple of old friends.

“Franz! Claus! Are you there?” Sacks whispered into the receiver. “I need 20 F’s delivered my way — ASAP.”

“Of course, boss. We’ll send the Goldmen immediately.”

“Perfect,” Sacks muttered to herself as she smiled and dusted off her hands. “Wharton connections, baby.”

Not more than a minute later, a group of 50 men stormed into the hall, snatched a test each, and produced from their golden suits golden pens with which to flunk their respective exams.

“I LOVE MONEY,” one Goldman scribbled repeatedly on the short answer section.

Another had bubbled a dollar sign into their answer sheet.

“Thank you, Goldmen,” Sacks said to her hired cronies as she turned in her exam with newfound confidence. “You all get to eat today.”

UPDATE: A report from Penn's economics department revealed that the Goldmen actually outperformed the average Wharton student, raising the overall class average and absolutely wrecking the curve.

Looks like it's back to the drawing board for Sacks.