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Girl with New Glossier Products Excited to Redefine Herself This Semester as 'Dewy'


Photo by Matt Wiebe / CC BY 2.0

Rebecca Simmons (C ’20) felt a rush last week when she opened her pale pink package filled to the brims with sticky, glittery, over-priced substances from Glossier. She was finally joining the cultish “people-powered beauty ecosystem” since her mom completely ignored these items on her Christmas list. That’s fine – she’s not young or pouty; she’s not supposed to get it.

As Simmons softly caressed her new products that promised to cool, hydrate, restore, plump, plush, and blush, she envisioned the person Glossier would allow her to become. One word came to mind: “dewy.” 

She’s going to be so moist all the time. Her youthful glow is going to figuratively, and maybe even literally, deflect any and all crusty objects that attempt to penetrate her sweet, slippery face. 

Oh, you thought your front lawn got a little wet in the morning during springtime? Ha, you haven’t even seen Rebecca’s face yet. She’s gonna be the dewiest living thing Mother Nature has ever produced. 

Speaking of Mother Nature, she’s going to play a major role in Simmons’ Instagram grid upgrade. All of Rebecca’s selfies will be blessed with a splash of sunlight to accentuate her soaking wet face in all of her photos. 

Sure, Simmons face is pretty blemish-free right now, but once she becomes a dewy goddess, it’s over for you hoes.