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Freshman with ‘7 Rings’ Energy Bursars AirPods for Six of Her Bitches


Photo by Emma / CC BY-SA 2.0

“Been through some bad shit. I should be a sad bitch. Who would’ve thought it’d turn me to a savage?” said freshman Cara Fitzgerald to herself after suffering the emotional damage of Saxby’s almond milk shortage for her iced latte. 

Though, in true Ariana Grande fashion, Fitzgerald tweeted some obscure, upside-down, lowercase shit; snapped a pic of her pale pink outfit; and strutted to the bookstore as “I want it, I got it” pulsated through her neurons. First stop: Starbucks to curb her nut milk craving, before stomping her way to the bookstore section housing Apple products galore.

Despite not ever having a steady boyfriend, let alone a failed engagement, Fitzgerald felt like a kid in a candy store after a popular, BDE-ridden comedian broke up with the queen of pop. Bursts of hot pink and purple light suddenly beat down upon Fitzgerald as her desire – nay – NEED to spoil her friends with her riches overwhelmed her petite body. 

She grabbed the essentials and made her way to the checkout where she bursared matching AirPods for six of her bitches.

Fitzgerald remained a bit upset that her receipt didn’t quite resemble a phone number, but she didn’t stop there. She had the sudden urge to head to the nearest tattoo parlor and demonstrate her love for BBQ grills.