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Penn Mourns Girl Swallowed By Own Humongous Scarf


Photo by Joanna Malinowska / CC0

The University community is reeling after the tragic death of Azra Babaoğlu, who was swallowed by her own gigantic scarf. 

Babaoğlu was last seen smoking a cigarette in front of Van Pelt library, her colossal wool scarf wrapped dangerously cozily around her neck.  

Witnesses report that the scarf began slowly inching its way up, enveloping her neck, then face, and soon her entire head. 

The scarf quickly consumed her entire body by constricting around it. Witnesses could hear the crunching of her ribcage and the whistle of pressure rapidly escaping through her orifices.

By the time emergency responders arrived at the scene, Babaoğlu had been reduced to mush and a pair of white sneakers. 

According to first responders, the scarf proceeded to swallow four Penn Police officers before opening a maw in the earth an descending inside, while the clouds performed a Gregorian chant in bone-shatteringly low tones.