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OP-ED: Yeah He’s Hot, but He Only Has Three Beer Bottles Lined up on His Shelf


Photo by Alfredo Hinojosa Flores / CC 2.0

I didn't hook up with Jaylen, ladies. I know — I was so into him, and he's totally gorgeous, but it's just... he only has three beer bottles lined up on his shelf. What am I supposed to do with that?

We went into his room, and everything was going great. The ambiance seemed perfect at first. He put on some alt Soundcloud jams, and all his laundry was in a neat pile by the foot of his bed. I love a man who knows to clean up when a woman comes around. Then, as I went to open his curtains, so all of the baby quad would know I was banging a Sigma Epsilon Chi hottie, I noticed that he only had a meager three bottles lined up on his shelf. That was just the beginning of the end.

They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle? A Michelob Ultra — as if he were my dad — and only one craft beer: a Yards Philly Pale Ale, which is basically only one step up from Corona. What the hell? I'm pretty sure he washed them out too. How was I supposed to sense the pheromonal masculine musk of stale beer if he removed any trace with the Dawn soap his mom packed him?

Even with all that, I almost let him take off my shirt. That was, until I realized there wasn't a single liquor bottle anywhere. After that, I just felt too weird about it. Looking back, even though I met him at Smokes, all night he couldn't stop talking about how the Econ Scream was "hella lit."  So like, was this boy even mature enough to be hooking up?