OP-ED: I'm, Like, The Fourth Hottest Guy In This Writing Sem

So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever. Fuck, he could cut steak with that jawline, and I’m talking prime beef. He doesn’t even have to open his mouth — his eyes alone are dropping panties. 

Two is probably Andrew. He’s not really my type — too much of the stereotypical frat guy look. But just objectively, he is a handsome man. His spikey haircut is so douchey, and I hate that it works so well on him. I’d like to imagine that he has a shit personality. 

In the interest of humility, I’m gonna give the number three spot to Arman. While I do believe I am more physically attractive than him, I just can’t compete with that accent. I don’t know if he's Spanish or maybe Argentinian, but when he talks I feel like he’s having sex with my ears. If I was a girl, or gay (which I’m totally not by the way), I'd be all over it. 

At this point, purely by process of elimination, I’m pretty sure I’m the fourth hottest guy in this class. I mean Tyler, Edward, Jake? I don’t want to be a dick, but come on: these guys are bush league. If I was a girl, or gay, (which again, I think it's important for me to reiterate that I am not), I would totally fuck me before any of them.