Didn't Have a Valentine This Year? Haha Loser Get Fucked

Valentines Day is a beautiful celebration of love and adoration. All across the globe, people are going the extra mile to remind that special person in their life just how much they matter. Romance, flowers, dinner, a little desert? Valentine’s day is just a whirlwind of joy and intimacy for everyone.

Well, not everyone... While the whole world was off falling in love and showering each other with affection, I bet you spent the whole day alone. I bet the most intimate contact you had was with an Uber Eats delivery driver. You’re a fucking joke. The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers. You probably just laid in bed for way too long, watching rom coms in an attempt to feel some shadow of romance, but we all know that didn’t work. What sound is that? Oh, it's Uber Eats knocking on the door and also a wake up call that you're always and forever alone. Better go answer it. 

Look, there’s always next year. But let’s be honest — you’ll probably be even lonelier by then. Pro tip: stay off Instagram and stay on Pornhub. That’s the only loving you’ll ever need.