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Religious Studies Professor Discovers God Made Eve to Improve Adam’s Ratio


Photo by pixelsniper / CC BY 2.0

Religious Studies professor David Kemp is an eclectic man, and, as such, he doesn’t always use the most scientific measures to come to his interpretations of the word of God. His latest finding is just one of a string of odd readings of the Book of Genesis. Based on a hunch, he has proven that God made Eve to improve Adam’s ratio in Eden.

His newest paper on the finding is titled “Hey Science Folk, Take a Back Seat. The Man Upstairs is Sitting Shotgun and He Doth Given Me the Knowledge to Finally Shut You Bastards Up.” The paper, highly discussed in all academic circles, lead UTB to sit down with Kemp to ask him to elaborate on his work.

When asked to give a summary of his paper, Kemp explained, “God made Adam in his holy image and doth had him chill in the Garden of Eden with some elk and shit. But one Saturday night, Adam doth wanted to go to a Snakes fraternity party, but the bro at the front door was all like, ‘thou shalt take a lap and come back with ye woman because the ratio inside’s fucked. Sorry bro. I’m just a ye old snake pledge, I’m not trying to get yelled at.”

“So Adam was all like ‘God it’s kinda fucked you made such a patriarchal world, but honestly I don’t have time to get into all that right now. I’m just trying to get sloshed with Snakes, so can thine turn my rib into a babe real quick?’ God obliged, the ratio was resolved, and, after having a little too much to drink, they got kicked out for going into the fraternity’s kitchen and eating Snakes’ apples. I think they’ve been wandering West Philly ever since,” Kemp said.

This enlightening story is a reminder to all Penn freshmen that if some pledge who described himself as “your boy” just one month ago gives you trouble at the door, know that even Adam of biblical times went through that same pain.