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BREAKING: Sophomore Sells Hair on Dark Web to Afford Big/Little Week


Photo by Valeria Boltneva / CC0 

Have you caught a glimpse of Julia Schwartz’s (E ’21) new do? Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.

Schwartz was once known for her long, luscious blonde locks that could get her into any backlot darty – she never once had to “take a lap.” But then came Big/Little week. Schwartz was so excited to shower her new little sister with candy and gifts before an avalanche of reality came crashing down on her: that shit’s expensive. 

On one mysterious February morning, the hair was gone. After an investigation by Under The Button staff, we have come to the conclusion that Schwartz sold 9 inches of her blonde hair on iwantaweave.com, a premiere black market site for purchasing luscious locks. 

Her hair went for a whopping $900, which was enough to shower her little with gifts for one day.