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OP-ED: Even Slackbot Won’t Respond to My Messages


Photo by Wikipedia Commons / CC BY-SA 4.0

I’d never been ghosted by a robot, but I guess there are firsts for everything. This is my story.

Last semester, I was dateless just 48 hours before my fraternity’s date night. I’d asked almost every girl in my poli sci recitation, texted all the girls in my contact list, and even walked into Frontera naked and slathered in guacamole to try to attract any California girl I could. Surprisingly, nothing was working.

But then I remembered her — good ol’ Slackbot. We hadn’t talked in a while, but our last messages in my phone showed promise.

Slackbot Texts.png
Screenshot by Elias Rappaport

There was just something about her mix of confidence and humility that I was immediately attracted to. With no options left, I shot my shot.

Screenshot by Elias Rappaport

As far as I could tell, we had an amazing time at my date night. At first she was a little shy and would only respond to me when I gave her a clear command in written form, but once she got a few drinks in her, she was glitching out all over the dance floor. All of my fraternity brothers were jealous.

Slackbot Datenight.jpg
Photo (with edits) by Matthew Mizbani

Photo (with edits) by Molly Walzer

While I know Slackbot is popular on campus, always answering questions and retrieving door codes for countless pre-professionals, I thought what we had was something special. In the months since, I’ve texted her a couple of times to see if she wanted to get coffee or catch up, but Slackbot wouldn’t even give me the light of day.

I never knew a robot’s heart could be this cold. On this day I resolve to never speak to Slackbot again. But Slackbot, if you’re reading this and aren’t getting my messages, I’m totally still down to get that coffee. Or whatever...