Smash Success 'You' Credited for 70% Rise in Introverted Boys' Ability to Get Dates for Valentine's Day
Photo by Mark Kari / CC BY-SA 2.0
February 6, 2019 at 11:30 pm
This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day. This year, their salvation has arrived, and it looks a lot like Dan from Gossip Girl.
“Before You came, I used to just steal girls’ phones to beat their high score on Angry Birds. Now I realize that I can use the information in the phone to manipulate them into sleeping with me!” said College sophomore Brandon Helms. “I recommended the show to a bunch of my boys in the English Department, and, needless to say, we are cleaning up this year.”
For Helms and many boys like him, Valentine’s Day always seemed like the time when frat boys and athletes wined, dined, and screwed the girls of their choosing while the beta males were left in the dust. Not this year. Said Helms, “I’ve installed a cage in the basement of Fisher-Bennett where every member of Oz and the basketball team are currently being held. I’ve been responding to all of their texts and doing their homework assignments for them so no one gets suspicious, but some teachers are beginning to wonder why they all suddenly started doing their assignments."
“Overall, I have to say that Dan from Gossip Girl has really been an inspiration for boys like me for many years now,” declared Helms. “Back in my idealistic youth, he showed me how to woo Serena van der Woodsen with just his writing and down-to-Earth swagger. Now that I’m in my pessimistic young adulthood, he’s shown me how to properly dispose of a body. ”