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OP-ED: I Only Speak to Men Because I Need a New Emotional Support Animal


Photo (with edits by Sydney Gelman) by Francesco / CC 2.0 

Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting. However, I too only want one thing: a man to be my emotional support animal. Emotional support animals are extremely helpful to anyone suffering from anxiety, depression, or who only wants to use men as a tool for their entertainment rather than getting entangled in the horrifying world of dating. Yes, it would be nice to have a boyfriend, but I’d prefer to have a boy as my emotional support animal. I give him food and water, and he sits at the foot of my bed and can’t talk back to me. This is my ideal relationship.

When you’re dating, you’re supposed to play hard to get: don’t double text, don’t say yes to every date, pretend to be elusive even though you’re probably laying on the floor eating yogurt when you claim to be out with friends. When a man is just your emotional support animal, the burden is so much lighter: make sure his food bowl is full, let your landlord know she has to allow you to keep the pet in the building or you’re being discriminated against, occasionally go for a walk, etc. 

I’ve had a few emotional support animals, though I’ve let some go because they forgot their role of being my pet. Some of them wanted me to meet their parents or stop making them drink out of a bowl on the floor. That was when I took them off the leash and set them free. Zach is on a nice farm somewhere, I’m sure of it. 

Right now, I’m in the market for a new ESA. Must be loyal, fluffy, and litter box trained. Men who challenge anything I say need not apply.