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Biden Entering Race to Prove Hillary Would Have Won If She Had a Penis


Photos with edits from the United States Air Force / CC0 and Audrey Tirtaguna / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In a video posted last Thursday morning, Presidential Professor of Practice Joe Biden announced his plans to run for President of the United States in an effort to prove, once and for all, that Hillary Clinton would have won her election if she had a penis.

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 

Junior Gabe Milligan, president of “Penn for Biden,” said he was excited for the campaign to really get going. “What this country needs is an older person really tied to the Obama administration who has said some inappropriate things about minority groups in the past. And someone who voted for the Iraq war — we need that too. And sure, Hillary had those things, but did she have a massive cock? I don’t think so.”

Looking back on her campaign, you realize she just had horrible advisors guiding her. If they had any political insight, they would have known that the American public hates women,” said Milligan. “If Hillary Clinton were a man with a history of sexual harassment, we just know the country would have fallen in love with her. That’s why we’re endorsing Biden for 2020.”

Biden is leaning into the comparison with the campaign slogan "Hillary with a dick." 

Americans didn’t want to vote for Trump in 2016,” said Biden’s chief strategist, Peter Terrel. “They liked Hillary’s rational thinking and experience, but her womanhood left them no choice. Yes, she wasn’t getting her period anymore, but periods are really confusing. It was better to be safe than sorry.” 

He recognized that many Americans wanted to be able to vote for Hillary in the last election but could not get beyond the fact that, if she won, the leader of the free world would have titties. “The truth of the matter is how would she have been able to get work done with her tatas bouncing around all day. Biden doesn’t have that issue.”